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Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"
The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"
The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."
Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.
So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.
The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.
So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."
The guy asks" Eileen who?