I've done alot of stuff in my life i regret, most of those things i regret i did trying to fill a void and easy the lonlyness in my heart. it got to the point i had lost sight of myself and who i wanted to be. reality hit me pritty hard and i realized i was becomeing the exact opposite of what i wanted to be. i had forgoten a principle truth:
although i might never find anyone to take away lonlyness, i had already been offered a balm for my wound. i had already been given a salve for my heartache and peace of mind....though i wondered why i never used it. i asked my self why i never applied the salve to take away my pain when it had been given to me so long ago along with a promise, i would never be alone.
I was hopeing to find someone who could love me, someone who could hold me in their arms and mean every word they said; someone who cared, someone who accepted and apreacated all that i am and could be...
I was holding out for all the wrong reasons. someone had already found me and took away my pain. someone already has picked me up out fo the muck and mire that was my past and has been walking close, guiding me ever sence. Someone already loves me.
but if thats the case, why was i searching in the first place for something i already had? i think fear played a decent sized part. i was changing everyday, but it was kind of scary. i began to realize that at the end of the road, it forked and most of my friends would not walk the same way i would go. i kept telling them about the fork in the road ahead, i kept asking them to please come with me, i wasnt sure if i could walk that path alone and servive. it got to the point where i would beg them to atleast look at the road they are walking on, i did not know where the road would take them but i knew this: it would not be the same place i was heading twords. they wouldnt change though.
they didnt care where the path they walked took them, they didnt care if i walked the same way with them or not. so i tryed to change. i walked their path with them, and all the while i felt so lonly even though i was in a group of my friends. i had forgoten, even though none of my friends wanted to walk my path, i was never alone. Someone was guiding me, someone was holding my hand the entire way. when i remebered that i wanted that feeling back but i didnt want to return to the road i was suposed to walk. i tryed to get what i needed from my friends but none would compleatly accept me and none could even come close to giving me what i once had when i was walking the path i had before and someone was there to guide me. i realized that even though i changed so much of myself to keep and walk with my friends and the ones i cared for... none of them were willing to change even a little, none of them would even dare to think about walking the alternate path, even though i followed them where the road split, none of them wanted to do the same for me.
i ran back to the path i used to walk, i ran back with someone there i missed and longed for. Grace and forgiveness fell like rain, i knew that i am not alone or forgotten. i knew that someone is there to guide me and keep me strong as i walk this path and will stay with me forever. I knew that someone cared about me and i did not have to change my slef anymore to be accepted, i could be who i realy was and longed to be.
I could be with Jesus. [End of Final Entry]
Rain Skyward Community Member 
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