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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".
So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
ooo another?
John O' Neill hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." XD
mores
oo that's so messed up//and mean
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet.
So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know," said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
here
that's...evil
A retired gentleman went into the local social security office to apply for aid.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was sorry but he seems to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" He asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair is proof enough for me." and processes his application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience.
She says, " You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability too!"
hemm..poor man..
A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he's going to be gone for several weeks.
The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but it's kind of expensive."
The man asks "is there's anything else?"
The clerk says "not that will for sure work."
So the man says "alright, what is it?"
"Well it's called voodoo d**k. How it works is, you say voodoo d**k, then say whatever part of your body you want it to ********."
Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necissary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.
Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo d**k. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said "voodoo d**k my p***y".
Instantly the voodoo d**k starts ******** her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She's driving there, the voodoo d**k still ******** her and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.
He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the ******** are you doing?"
She explains about how her husband didn't want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo d**k, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo d**k to stop.
When she finishes he laughs and says "voodoo d**k my a**."
hmm oh that ..is messed up also
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day, she went to his parent's house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture.
While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.
She asks the boy, "What are they doing?"
He says, "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" she asked.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked.
He says, "Those are his knots."
She says, "Oh, OK, I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
The girl innocently replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"
XD tight
John wakes up after the annual office Christmas party with a splitting headache and cotton-mouth, and is unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After going to the bathroom, he makes his way downstairs, where his wife puts a cup of coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moans, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she says, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete a** of yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors and insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," John says. "Piss on him."
"You did," she replies, "and he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" John says.
"I did," she replies. "You're back at work on Monday."
yes.. that's nice. A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR ******** BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR ******** SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, a*****e?" .....
and, they lived happily ever after!
poor kid..
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
tight XD
There is this lady who is pregnant with triplets.
The first baby tells the other two, "When I get out of here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's to damn dark up in here."
The second baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a doctor, because this cord is bugging the hell out of me."
The third baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes up here one more time, I'm gonna cut it's ******** head off."
 SSJMoney · Mon Sep 05, 2005 @ 10:35pm · 1 Comments |
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