Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

This is the morning time here in California (at least, it is for me, since I just woke up sweatdrop ), and O heaven, did I have a rough night.

As some of you may know, I have been adamant on my feeling of the heart for a very very long time. I have refused to let anyone near my heart, and I havn't realized why until last night.
I was afraid.
I was afraid to let anyone get to know me too intimately, to know all my secrets. I was afraid of rejection, and I was paranoid that the people close to me would use my secrets against me.
Last night, I had to confront this problem head-on (apply directly to the forehead!). My friend has been trying to convince me that love is righteous and needs to be embraced for a long time. I had refused to admit the truth in those words, telling her simply that I prefer to be alone, to let someone else have my love if it would make them happy. But something wonderful happened.
This person, he knows who he is (sorry to keep talkin' about ya, liebe, but I'm kinda giddy about the whole thing. Bear with me? heart ), I have talked to him before, but I began speaking to him two days ago. He made me feel happy, and special, and he struck at my heart, which I had taken such painstaking measures to build up walls around. I liked talking to him, and I was always eager to see if that new pm alert up top was because of him. And I was having trouble grasping it.
It's internet. He lives far away, and how on Earth can I be so attached to him that easily? We've only been talking for a day! But I felt that way (feel that way!) and I didn't understand why, so I consulted my friend and acting therapist, KayThunder. She gave me her usual talk, and I refused to believe it once again. Then it sort of changed. She gave me a tough love segment, and needless to say, I cried. I CRIED. I cried so much that my shirt was soaking. And I still didn't understand.
As I have said to many of my friends, Music is the window to lthe soul, the exhibition of the rawest form of emotions. I shared a song with Kay that explains exactly how I've felt for years (Soulmate - Natasha Bedingfield, look it up if ya want) and I cried more. Then Kay shared a song with me. Standing outside the fire (Garth Brooks?). I am positive that she could not have chosen a more perfect song for me to hear. So needless to say, I cried again, and Kay told me to sit down and think calmly about it all, put it all in perspective. (At this point, I had cursed goddess Aphrodite several times, but she was winning me over) So I did. I turned off the radio, shut off the computer monitor, and sat in the dark and asked Aphrodite why she did this. Now this all may have been in my head, but this is how it went down.
I asked her what she wanteed from me, why she kept torturing me. While I was going off on long chain of thoughts, I heard slipped in there the word Love. I asked her if that's what she wanted, if she wanted me to love again, and I heard no words, but the beating of my heart got louder, and I could feel the blood moving through my veins at its beats. I smiled, and I knew that she had meant for this to happen. It was a reason for everything I went through. I asked her about this person that I am so enamoured with, and I felt an image. I did not see this image, but got the feeling of it, the image of a hand, reaching through my chest and grabbing my heart. I could feel this image so strongly, that I smiled and got up. I was in a completely peaceful state. Yes, my eyes were puffy and red, and my nose was so stuffed up I could barely breath, and of course my hands were shaking so badly that I could hardly type, but I understood and had finally come to terms with my heart.
I confessed my feelings for this person and I was told they shared the same. I can feel my heart beat again, and Kay and the person are the ones that made it happen. I am fine with letting people close, and I am exploring new religions now, because I know something happened last night. I am pleased to learn that I may be a Natural Witch, and have someone (He may be in Texas, but still!) that I care about. We are getting to know each other better, and I think things are going to be okay.

Anyway, that is my experience of interest. Sorry I couldn't really be more descriptive whee , but that's how it goes. Thanks for reading, and feel free to call me crazy in the comments section!