I know you are gone but I have to write this letter. Maybe it will help me with my insomnia. I can't sleep without you. I can't eat without you. I miss you. My heart is aching and I keep crying. I feel so dead. How did this happen so fast...right before my eyes. Your sister is trying not to cry. Maybe you should give her some good flashbacks and make her cry. I know you can't read this or feel this. I wish I wouldn't have told you goodbye the night before. I feel as it is all my fault. I try not to say goodbye to people but it re-enters my mind at the last minute. If i wouldn't have ducked to pick up the jacket it would have been me. I have always asked God to bless me...but not in such a way. Your sister needs you and misses you. She is nagging me 24/7, Sophie do this and Sophia do that. Sophia can you help me....i do not mind but she is taking it hard. She hurt my bf's feelings. But she did bring up some points. Why am I wasting my time dating a man I am never going to see. It hurts right now since it feels as if hes avoiding me. We were suppose to meet in a room but he hasn't come over an hour so I doubt he's even coming.....then people want to know why I feel so ugly...no one wants to date me.....i can't keep a bf...nothing.....deny.....i am so lost without you.....here i am sitting here crying and trying to hold my tears back....I loved you so much...you never knew how much.....i loved you like a sister........you and Kristy call me Sophia so much its drilled in my head. Only call me Deanna once in awhile since you know I hate my name......And Shamaya...she misses you......i went to visit your family earlier.....your dad is so red to be black......your sister coloring pictures of you and her she drew.....she was really affected...drawing pictures and coloring herself pretty colors but you....she keeps drawing laying on the ground all covered in red......there is a black hole in your head....Mimi....she doesn't chat anymore like she use to.....if there is a gun on t.v. she gives me the remote and goes "turn mommy, i don't like guns"......your dad hasn't touched your room....its still the way we left it.....pink perfume on the floor...your Mr.Oreo teddy sitting in your rocking chair and your computer on the floor....I dare not step foot in there....i am afraid to...i don't know why but i am. Maybe it's the thought of you coming back. It is an impossible thought...i know.....i always said i would never go through the denial stage of death......here i am saying no deny is not dead it is just a long dream.......here i am confessing to myself now that you are gone and you aren't coming back.........I wish you lived longer but maybe it is good for Shamaya.....now she doesn't have to feel the pain of you dieing when she gets older.......but she is probably feeling it now....she wouldn't eat...and she kept fighting your father......he said she hadn't eaten all day today he's planning on taking her to the hospital.....she misses you a bunch...her mommy who was funny and loved everyone...loved her baby the most....gave her belly rubs and rubbed her feet.........fed her and cooed her to sleep......i would miss my mommy too......this is a very long letter so let me make it short before I keep rambling....I'll ramble more tomorrow...this can really let loose my feelings....I love you deny...Goodnight
 above all conscious · Fri May 09, 2008 @ 05:40am · 0 Comments |
