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Death and Dismay
Hey peoples... could you start leaving comments so I know who actually reads my jounal... thanks.
Run (part 2 also revised)
"If it was another night maybe, but I have already made plans. Sorry Mic, but you are going to have to find someone else to babysit for you if you want to go out with Jess." Takami didn't want to wait for her brother to plead anymore so she rushed past him and slid down the railing of the stair way. She came to a halt at the end of the stairs and reach out a hand ruffling the fur of the dog that lay at her feet.

The dogs long black fur intertwined with her fingers and the dog lifted its head to see who disturbed its slumber. Takami smiled and bent down completely, kissing the dog gently on the top of the head. The dog seemed to smile, showing all over her teeth and let her tongue roll out of her mouth. It made Takami giggle. Not wasting any more time, Takami straightened and jogged into the other room looking for her mom. The dog sensed something wrong since Takami usually sat with her until she had to leave. This worried the old dog, so she slowly got to her feet and forced her old legs to drag her to the girl. Once she got there the dog nudged Takami's hand making Takami stop talking mid sentence and bend down to look at her eye to eye.

"What is it girl? Do you need a cookie or somethin'?" Takami set a hand behind the dog’s ear, but instead of nodding like she usually did; the dog jumped forward, knocking Takami to the floor. The dog’s big paws held Takami's shoulders to the floor and she put her face inches from Takami's, showing her sharp teeth as she let a low growl make its way from her chest. She may be old, but when she wanted something, she would do what she could to get it and she wanted to know what her girl, Takami, was up to.

"Harely! Bad girl! Get off of her!" Yelled the voice of a concerned mother, as she dragged the dog off her daughter. As Takami's mom scolded her dog, Harely, Takami sat up and sighed. The dog must have figured out what she was planning to do. Damn, that dog is too smart for her own good sometimes. Takami shook her head and pulled herself to her feet. If that dog wasn't so damn smart this might be a little easier to get away with, but of course with her luck, she had to get the smartest dog in the world.

"Mom, it's alright, she was probably just telling me to get my a** to school." Takami grabbed her bag, which she had set on the couch. She glanced at Harely, as if to say sorry. Harely just turned her gaze to the mother, almost like she was one of Takami's friends and they were in the middle of a big fight. Hell, that's what was going on. Harely had been Takami's only friend for a long time and now, they would never be together again. This wasn't a good way to leave things, but it's how it would have to be.

"Watch your language young lady." Takami's mother snapped as she let the dog's collar go. Harely just laid down, her head turned so she couldn't see Takami. Takami just waved and walked to the front door. She paused before opening the door. This was the last time she would see any of them. Harely would probably manage to find a way to tell her mom what was going on, but it would be a while till they could do anything about it and Harely would take forgive because she would be mad at Takami. Damn dog.

"Bye mom, bye Mic, bye tweebs, bye Harely." A single tear ran down Takami's cheek as she whispered her good-byes under her breath. She pushed open the room and ran off, turning her back on her family, never going to return again.






User Comments: [1]
Almost_at_Deaths_Door
Community Member





Mon Mar 31, 2008 @ 07:23pm


Again I have a few things to say.

First- You really should reread over your stuff cause there are a lot of little errors. They aren't huge, but it would be better if you fixed those.
Second- When Takami is telling her brother no, you could add a little more as to what she is doing. Maybe rolling her eyes, shifting her weight from one side to another, or maybe waiting for her chance to get away to go see her mom to get a hold of some breakast.
Third-When discribing the dog, Harely, put a little more detail such as ' it's old eyes said hello as Takami smiled and the dogs rough muzzle brushed against her leg' just stuff like that.
Last- If she is running away I doubt she would be smiling and joking around, so make her a little more realistic and make her have a smile that doesn't make it to her eyes or something like that.

Once again, you don't have t change anyting if you don't want.


User Comments: [1]
 
 
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