People are prone to feeling pain. Not physical pain that comes from some sort of injury. Emotional pain. The kind that can linger in your life forever. The kind that it is near impossible to get rid of. This kind of pain hurts more than anything else in the world ever could. It can eat away at your soul and ruin your life. I know what this pain can feel like. I have watched people close to me die. I have seen people walk away from me because of who I am. I have been called names and made fun of. I have experienced true pain in my life, yet I find myself still standing here. One must wonder how. How is it that I of all people can still find a reason to be here. How is it that I can find some good in life. For a long time I didn't know who I was. And when I found myself, I didn't really like what I saw. It frightened me. I didn't like who I was. And since I couldn't find a reason to love myself, then why should others. Everything made sense to me. All the name calling, every bit of the pain. I couln't bare the thought of placing the burden that I was, onto anyone else. For 2 long years, I thought about killing myself. Just get it over with so that no one else would have to put up with the attrocity I was. But once again, I was too scared to do it. I was too afraid of the additional pain I might cause myself. I never told anyone that I was planning to kill myself. I never told anyone that they may never see me again. This is the first time I have ever said anything about it. I know that people had guessed that maybe I might end my life. They made it quite clear that they did. But now I have to wonder if they would have missed me. If it would have made any difference in someones life. I don't think it would have. I mean, to my family, maybe. But to anyone else, probably not. Despite this fact, I no longer want to kill myself. I don't know what made me change my mind. It certainly wasn't a slack in all the tourment. If anything that grew. I don't know. Maybe there was one person whom I just couldn't leave behind. Whatever the reason, I am glad that I decided to stay. If i hadn't, who would there be to bare all the pain?
 Trae Blackhawk · Mon Mar 10, 2008 @ 04:27am · 0 Comments |
