Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Was it a Dream? Or was it a Nightmare? The question is, do you Care?


The White Room

Chapter I: Black Feather

I woke with a start, to my room...I know it by heart. The walls are white. There are no windows in my room, just lights that dim as time goes by, until it's night then all is dark. I can't remember the last time I saw the stars, it's been quite a few years since then, since I've come out of my room. As I sat up, I remembered my dream(I don't have those very often.)The reason I woke suddenly. It was jumpy, hard to follow. It scared me, I saw something odd, an angel, but not an angel...I can't remember what they're called. I looked around my room, throwing the covers aside. I looked down at my pure white shirt and pants, bored with the color, I see it every day. I got out of bed, changing into yet another matching white pair of pants and shirt, when I thought I heard a sound, a "whooshing" sound. The sound of wings flapping. I jerked around to see where the sound came from, but turned to see nothing. I decided it was just my dream, playing tricks on my mind.

I went on most of the day being tricked, again and again and again, making me paranoid. I make myself jump. Before the lights dimmed to dusk I decided to draw something, the thing that's been bothering me. The angel that's not an angel...for hours I've been trying to remember it's name, but, it's escaped me once again.

After it got too dark to see what I was doing, I put the pencil down to look at the drawing. I'd scared myself again, the worst this time, for when I looked at the drawing, I was looking at myself. In one of my matching outfits, exactly the same, only in black. My drawing had big black wings, with torn, crooked feathers, crooked wings. I stared at it for a long time, trying to make sense of it. I hadn't noticed that my, not-angel was me, it was bothersome that I was so afraid of a dream, after all, it is just a dream.

It was late before I could make myself sleep. I didn't sleep well though, I thrashed and moved all over my bed. I opened my eyes slowly, not like this morning. I don't know why I'm awake, I was sure I fell asleep, it's still the dead of night. I went to sit up when I heard a familiar voice. "No, stay there." The voice said, in a very soft tone, quiet. I knew this voice all too well, because it was my voice, but, not my voice. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't force the air out of my lungs, besides, who would hear me? I closed my eyes when suddenly I hear steps come closer to me, and then, everything jumped around, and then, I was awake, with a more violent jump. In my brightly plain white room.

After having this dream for the second time, I went to draw again, but when I went to look at the drawing of my not-angel, it was gone. I tore my room apart looking for the picture and had no luck. This dream was causing problems, and I was going insane. After I gave up looking for it, I heard the noise again. I turned again to look for the not-angel, but again, he wasn't there. I heard steps this time too, quiet, but loud enough to hear. I screamed when I ran to the bed and found, a black mangled feather, leaning on my pillow.

I don't know how many hours I've been staring at this feather. I've been wanting to touch it, but I'm too afraid. I heard the noise again. I turned and backed into the pillow. I looked around the room to see black mangled feathers everywhere. When I saw them I remembered the one on my pillow. I quickly turned around, to find it not there. I looked around the room again, and all the feathers were gone, just like my picture. Am I going insane?

Chapter II: The Not-Angel

It was a sleepless night, again. I had the same dream, only more detailed. I talked to the Not-Angel this time. I had asked him what he was, he didn't answer me. All he said was, "Sleep." I didn't understand why he wouldn't tell me anything. I stared at the ceiling, just laying in bed, watching as time went by. It was just about dawn when I got up. I looked all around, then at my plain, familiar desk, and saw the picture of my Not-Angel, with a mangled, black feather. And on the corner of the picture it said, in beautifully neat script, "Turn around."

I stared in awe at him. After all he's put me through, here he stands. I was afraid to blink, I thought he might disappear. He smiled at me after a few minutes. Not the evil smile you'd imagine him wearing. A shy, childish smile. His wings were down, they just missed the floor by half an inch. Crooked wings, with untreated scratches and mangled, broken feathers. I noticed his smile disappear. His face turned into a twisted sadness. It was then when I was able to finally talk. "Why do you look so sad?" I asked, in slightly shaky tone.
"My wings...They frighten you. They would frighten most people, I suppose." The Not-Angel spoke, in a torn voice.
"No, they don't frighten me." I said, not quite even convincing myself. "I just wonder, what happened to them?"
He looked up at me, "Well, they got hurt when I fell."
I tilted my head to the side. "Where did you fall from?"
He looked up at the ceiling, seeing something far away. "From Heaven." He just barely whispered.
My eyes widened as a memory flew back into my mind. "That's what you are..."
It took him a second to look at me, confused. "What?"
"A Fallen Angel...That's what you are!" I said in an over-joyed voice.
"Why does that please you so much?" He said, in more angered tone, it scared me a little.
"It's just...it's been bothering me for so long. I've been calling you a Not-Angel ever since I first saw you." I stepped back, away from him.
His eyes widened in sadness and he stepped forward, reaching for me. "Please, don't be afraid of me...I've been waiting for you for so long."
It took me a second before I could reach out and touch my finger tips to his. "Waiting for me, what do you mean?"
"I'm you....I suppose you don't remember, you died once." He put his whole hand to mine.
My eyes widened and I froze. "But, I'm not dead. I'm not dead...am I?"
He smiled. "No, of course not...But, you succeeded in trying to kill yourself."
I looked at him with slightly panicked eyes. "I..don't..understand." I said, with hesitation.
His smile faded and he looked at the floor. "They saved you, but you were put in here..in this room. Part of your soul, me, wasn't saved. I went to Heaven, just to fall back to Earth."
I nodded. "So, you're my soul?"
He smiled again. "Only part, if I was the whole thing...you wouldn't be alive" He giggled a little at that.
I pulled my hand away from his, placing both hands on my head. I gripped my hair. "No...no, stop it! Stop!" I cried. "Don't say that, don't you say it...My soul is fine, it's right here...right here." I put my left hand on my heart, falling to my knees.
The fallen angel knelt down in front of me. "Don't cry, I'm sorry."
I crawled forward and put my head against his shoulder. "Go back then..." I whispered to him.
He put his hand on the back of my head. "Go back where?"
"With the rest of my soul.." I said so quiet a normal person wouldn't hear.
"I can't, not yet." He put his head against mine.
"Why not?" I cried. "That's not fair..."
"Neither was what you did, God kept me because you tried to go to Him before it was your time." He said, in a broken voice.
"I'm sorry...God, I'm sorry. Please, let me have him back.." I looked up at my mirror image smiling at me with a tear streaked face.
I looked at him as he started to get up. "Don't leave..." I cried desperately.
He pulled me up, then let go when I was steady. "I'm sorry...I have to, but I'll be back when you're asleep."
I reached for him as quickly as I could, but he was already gone.

Chapter III: One Last Dream.

I slept little that night, my dream never came. I waited for it, but my waiting was in vain. I woke to my dimly lit room, tears escaped my eyes when they opened. He lied to me. How could he? He's my soul, he couldn't have lied to me. Why would he?
I fell asleep, again, with broken hopes.I slept for hours, not dreaming. How could this be...I don't feel any different, I feel like I always have. Empty, I never noticed it until he came. I'm missing a part of myself, I want to get it back. I think.

After lying down for so long I needed to get up. I got dressed and sat at my white desk, drawing my angel. I wondered why he lied to me. When I finished the picture, I went back to my bed, not wanting to see him anymore. As soon as I sat down it hit me, all in one wave. Thousands of questions I didn't ask him. Like how, or why I tried to kill myself? Did I have family? Are they alive? Do they hate me? So many questions I wanted...No, needed answered. My eyes got wide and swollen with tears, and before I knew it, I passed out.

My dream came, but not the dream I was waiting for. I saw myself, but it was me, Not my angel. I was in a room I didn't recognize. Hearing voices I wasn't used to. The other me looked over, with a tortured look. I went to speak to him, but I heard words that I remember hearing once before. A voice through the closed door.
"It's all his fault! He's a worthless little b*****d kid! He'll never be good enough, never!" The voice screamed.
"If-if you'd just give him a chance..." Another voice, a woman, cried.
"No! I've done all I could for him, and he screwed the whole thing up! He'll never be good enough." The voice screamed again.
"Paul..." The woman cried om defeat.
"No Jean!" The man screamed.

I tuned back to the boy sitting on the floor with his head against the wall, staring at me. He sat there, with a knife in hand. Memories flooded my mind, my mom and dad, they were fighting. No, wait, he's not my dad...He's my step dad. They're fighting about me. I remember this night, the night I...My eyes got wide as I stared at the boy holding the knife to his heart. We both started crying. I went to go grab the knife, but I couldn't touch him, my hand wen right through.
"No, no! Stop, please don't do it!" I screamed, but he couldn't hear me.
"No more...I'm sorry, mama..." He whispered, as he sank the knife into his chest.

I sat for an hour, maybe more, watching myself die. I bled to death. That's how I died. It had been quiet for a few minutes, about twenty. I watched as his eyes closed. And right then, I saw my angel, my soul, leave his body. Then, I heard a knock on the door.
"Honey..?" The small voice of my mother called.
She waited, but got no answer. "Honey please..." She opened the door slightly.
"Hon-" She started to talk, but it turned into a scream. She tried to wake me up, but her attempt failed.

They revived me at the hospital. I saw everything, everything but the angel returning. I waited there the night. In the morning my mother was in my roomwith the doctor.
"Jean, he might not be the same when he wakes up." The doctor said, grudgingly.
"What do you mean..?" My mother asked, fighting back tears.
"I mean there might be some very deep mental problems. He may not remember you, or anything for that matter." He looked at my mother apologetically.
"My poor baby.." She started to cry.
"If I may make a suggestion, maybe he should be institutionalized. Only for a while though." The doctor said, trying to be cheerful.
"If it will make him better..." My mother replied.

It skipped to the next day, the first day I remember. Waking up in my white room. I woke from the dream to see my fallen angel looking at me. I went to get up, but he pushed me back to lay down. I looked at him with puzzled eyes.
"Mama..." Was all I could say.
He looked away from me. "She died, not long after they sent you here.." He said with sadness in every word.
My head fell back onto the pillow. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, mama." I whispered.
My angel closed my eyes with his fingertips. "It's time.." He whispered back.
"Time?" I asked.
"To sleep." He knelt down next to the bed, and whispered in my ear. "It's time to sleep."
I slipped into a deep, deep sleep. The last thing I heard was my soul, the next thing I knew, I was with my mom.
"It's been a long time, Ben." She said to me, smiling wide.
This was a dream I was glad I would never have to wake from.



Was it Reality? Or was it Imagination? The question is, aren't they both your Creation?