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1. I am not to tell Harry Potter that Voldemort is his real father, no matter how much I think they belong in Star Wars.

2. I am not allowed to tell a student/professor that "Yo mamma looks like Voldemort. ooh...

3. It is impolite to call Lucius "Lucy".

4. No matter how well I can do an impression of Steve Irwen, I will not impersonate him in Care of Magical Creatures.

5. I am not to scream "VOLDEMORT!" at any time unless in confines of a sound proof room.

6. Asking Draco if his hair glows in the dark is impolite.

7. I will not refer to any Weasley, or redhead, as carrot top.

8. I am not to put hair dye in Professor Snape's drinks. (Any other Professor is at my own risk).

9. Shaving Mrs.Norris is unacceptable.

10. The Slytherin prefect is Draco Malfoy, not Rocky Horror or Slim Shady

11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

12. I will not bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.

13. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong

14. I am not allowed to hide my housemate's underwear.

15. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count as extra-credit.

16. When Ron and Hermione are at each other's throats, I am not allowed to "give them a time out" or "make them stand in the corner"

17. I am not allowed to gallop down the hallways shouting "The Death Eaters are coming, the Death Eaters are coming!" when Snape is in the perimeter.

18. I am not to sing "I Believe I Can Fly" while doing commentary at a Quidditch match.

19. I am not allowed to dye my hair platinum and tell everyone that I am "one of Draco's millions of accidental children" from the future.

20. If Draco, Harry, or any other seeker gets on my nerves I am not allowed to shout "Fetch!" and throw a little golden ball.

21. Any resemblance between the Death Eaters and the KKK are coincidental.

22. I am not to chase after Seamus Finnegan, persisting that he give me his pot of gold.

23. I am not to call Harry Potter Luke Skywalker or Frodo.

24. I will not ask when we learn to summon flying monkeys.

25. I am not to say that any of my witch relatives were crushed by a house.

26. I am not to get Sirius Black any dog toy for a present

27. I will not purchase cat toys and leave them on Professor McGonagall's desk

28. I will not leave shampoo on Snape's desk

29. Nor may I leave coupons for personal grooming icons

30. I am not to attempt to teach Sirius Black to sit, etc.

31. I will not refer to or call the headmaster Santa Clause

32. I am not to go up to Sirius Black with a leash and collar and ask him if he wants to go for a walk.

33. I am not to take Sirius Black to the vet if he is sick.

34. I am not to tackle hug or glomp any student.

35. I will not smack/hit/punch/kick a student randomly and blame it on seizures.

36. It wasn't a meteor, either.

37. I will not dress up as Voldemort or a Death Eater at the Halloween Dance.

38. I am not to place bets on how the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will "leave" this year.

39. I will not run across the grounds, naked, screaming "Freedom!"

40. I am not to push Draco Malfoy or anyone else that I do not like into the Great Lake and pretend nothing is happening as they are attacked by the Giant Squid.

41. I am not to lock Draco and Harry in the same room.

42. I will not follow behind Professor Snape while spraying disinfectants on anything he touches.

43. Mrs.Norris is not a suitable replacement for a pinata.

44. I am not to throw Mrs.Norris off the astronomy tower, claiming that I wanted to see if she would land on her feet.

45. Asking "So, when to we learn to saw a lady in half?" is not appropriate.

46. I am not to throw items at Slytherins and scream "Die b*****s!"

47. I will not follow the ghosts around and say that "I see dead people."

48. First years are not midgets.

49. The North Tower is not a Mental Institution, so I may not call it or refer to it as the Loony Bin.

50. I will not use Gryffindors and Slytherins as Christmas decorations.

51. I am not to ask Harry if his Spidey Senses are tingling if his scar hurts.

52. I will not sing "We're off to See the Wizard" when going to the headmaster's office.

53. I am not to turn 50 cents into 50 Cent.

54. Mrs.Norris is not a chew toy for any animal.

55. Nor is she to be used as bait for any magical creature, no matter how cool it is.

56.I am not to push Draco, or any other students that I don't like, off the staircases when they're moving.

57. Or when they're not moving.

58. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmede, I am not to point to the Dark Mark and shout "To the bat mobile, Robin!"

59. The Wicked Witch of the East is not my mom.

60. It is unacceptable to make-out/kiss/touch/hug/etc. Harry Potter or Draco Malfoy during class. Anywhere else or anyone else is fair game.

61. Stealing Draco's underwear and selling it on Ebay to horny fangirls is not ethical, nor profitable (note to self: Steal Potter's underwear instead).

62. I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins Merry and Pippin.

63. I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron Frodo and Sam.

64. It probably isn't smart to call Draco Legolas, either

65. Always remember not to call Lucius Malfoy "that dude from The Patriot"'

66. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

67. Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

68. Modifying the old "pail of water over the door" trick to "pail of bubotuber pus over the door" is really frowned upon.

69. Lucius is also isn't 'Jareth with a pimp stick'.

70. 'There isn't enough room in here to swing a cat' is a Muggle expression, not a challenge.

71. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

72. I will not call the Defense Against Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

73. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

74. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

75. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

76. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

77. Or any other Slytherin.

78. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

79. I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

80. It was not an honest mistake.

81. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.

82. Or the teacher laundry.

83. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class. *Alex: totally me*

84. Even if I brought enough for everyone.

85. Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.

86. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

87. When someone accuses me of not wearing any underwear, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.

88. Especially if I can't.

89. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

90. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

91. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

92. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

93. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

94. I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.

95. Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny, either.

96. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!!!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.

97. I'm not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

98. I am not to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy

99. "Y'all check this-here s**t out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

100. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned upon.

101. I am not the wicked witch of the west.

102. I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

103. I will not melt if water is poured over me.

104. Neither will Professor Umbridge

105. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.

106. That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.

107. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

108. No, not even though you are a witch.

109. My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

110. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

111. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the druids you are looking for'.

112. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.

113. I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes", while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.

114. I am to stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

115. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedevra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

116. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.

117. Ditto: Henry the VIII I am; This is a song that never ends; or One-sextillion mugs of butterbeer on the wall.

118. Or any folksong that starts out "innocent enough".

119. I will not sing the entire "Multiplication Rocks" series during Arithmancy exams.

120. 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s

121. I will not claim that my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".

122. I am not allowed to use the silencing charms on Professors.

123. I am not allowed to sing my own special spy music while wandering the halls.

124. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF" every time I apparate.

125. I will not refer to Dobby or any other house elves as "Master Yoda".

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