View User's Journal

Daine's Journal

A collection of stories, thoughts, wanderings, and a bunch of fictional writing. A place to develop my characters or just think out loud... You'll never know what may be true or not.

Report This Entry Subscribe to this Journal



The Best Guy in the World I know I have been posting a lot about my boyfriend, and here I go again. I really do have the best boyfriend in the entire world...he is so sweet and considerate and I could continue to expound on how wonderful he is for hours. But sometimes I worry that my own self doubt and self deprication that comes from bouts of depression will end up pushing him away eventually. I don't know if I should worry, but I really find him too good to be true and keep looking for reasons that he isn't all that he appears to be. And now he is on Gaia and he can read this, but I suppose I just need to think things through some things right now, beause I love him so much. I worry though that I'll do something to hurt him and the only thing I want to do is protect him from ever being hurt again. I would hate myself if I ever knew that I did something to hurt him, but I'm worried that because of all the problems that I have had in the past with boys makes me so paranoid and so untrustful, even though Jon has never given me a reason not to trust him. There is so much I want to tell him and so much I want to do for him...but I never can find a way to give back to him all that he has given me. Oftentimes he renders me speechless...I wish I knew some way to show him how much I love him. I just am so scared of losing him at some point in time, that I may start to push him away or try and find faults with him or our relationship to protect myself from the pain of losing him. It just continues to prove to myself that no one could ever love me...and I don't want to do this to him and make him leave me. I know this must sound rather odd, but it is the self-destructive pattern I have held for years because of the pain of past relationships. Whild depressed once I wrote a letter to him telling him that he needed to get away from me as fast as he could to avoid getting hurt...I don't think I want to ever let him see how dark and down I got. Because I don't want to scare him. I really do love him and I wish there was some way I could really show this to him. I never want to do anything that will change how he feels about me know, but sometimes I can't help doubting myself. And it really isn't a doubt about him, but rahter it is me worrying that the past will repeat itself and that I shouldn't have ever trusted a guy again. I suppose this is rather random... This story is a long one that covers a number of my previous entries and I'd love if you'd go back and leave comments for me! Thanks!

Posted by: wilderness.magic Thu Jun 23, 2005 @ 06:33am

[img:3eeaa78306]http://i.picasion.com/pic38/21c9c2f4b4223d5b1c0f9bdebc00613a.gif[/img:3eeaa78306][/align:3eeaa78306]

User Comments: [13] [add]

.Sweetest~Nitemare.
Community Member

Offline

Commented on: Sat Jun 25, 2005 @ 06:28am


	That's partially what drove kc away from me. I was still so depressed in my own anguish from Audrey's death that I tried so hard to find that love again and when i did I abused it so that it drove him crazy. I did have the feeling I was getting annoying but it was too late. So don't worry about that too much or it will hurt you. Guys don't like too clingy-clingy...they need space too and more space thn we do most of the time because it takes them a lot longer to get over things that have happened. As for the special thing, next time you guys have time to just sit down and chat about whatever talk your way into making him reveal what he loves the most or what he dreams he wants or what he loves to do or wants to do...stuff like that. Find out what floats his boat. That's what I did with kc and it just made us stronger together because whenever we would just talk we would tell eachother what we liked, what we didn't like, what we would love to do...and I would find cute ways to do those things that he liked as best I could and even if I didn't do it that good at least it got me a smile and lots of love^_^. The safe to holding onto a long relationship is hard to crack because of how many bends and stretches, loops and holes, and dips and rises you guys might face between eachother's emotions. But if you two really love eachother, I don't see why it wouldn't last. You're nice and smart ^_^, those are better traits than beauty i think. I'd keep my brains before barbie doll looks anyday. Only stupid men look for stupid bimbos...~_~

Commented on: Thu Jun 30, 2005 @ 10:25pm


	Graciously bows to the beautiful Pic If that is you then I offer myself here as yer loyal servant. Drools Iye....

Saint Ioric
Community Member

Offline

Saint Ioric
Community Member

Offline

Commented on: Thu Jun 30, 2005 @ 10:35pm


	{{After reading your Entry}} Well... youre not the only person who that has happend to. I am probally the only guy who will admit that we do get selfconscious at times as well. Thats basically how i lost one of the most beautiful women in the world. I guess i became so sceard that i kinda tried to his my fear with a mask of idiotic comments and actions such as pretending i was flirting with her friends and not accepting her calls just because i thought she was cheatin on meh. Well that plan didnt work and now i feel like a complete Moron because i have no way of getting in contact with her. Yeah it hurts and you sometimes feel weird but thats love for ya. If you honestly feel as if hes doing something wrong ASK HIM! Dont e nervous because hed be an 100% idiot if he cheated on you. Id break his nose mi self^^. {{Sorry about that first comment but yi are beautiful, maybe there are more women like you out there.Peace heart }}

Commented on: Sat Jul 02, 2005 @ 12:01am


	.Sweetest~Nitemare.: That's my main thing, but we do sit down and talk and I finally wrote it all to him to try and explain things to him. Every day I find myself falling more and more in love with him and I can't stand the thought of ever losing him. It would be the end of my world. The nice thing is that I am now so sure that he really does love me that it makes me so happy. We've taken to writing to eachother and often will talk about what we love most about the other person. Which I think is helpful because it does reaffirm not only our love but also helps make sure we maintain what we love most about the other person. I never think of myself as beautiful, but he has done so much for my confidence and so much to make me a better person. I love him so much. The Tormented Diety Iori: Blushes It's a pic my friend found that she thought looked like me, so I use it. As to your other comment, that's my main worry is that I don't want my past and my worries to drive us apart. But I think he knows why I am so scared and he helps me through it just by being so wonderful. I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, but more I worry he might get annoyed with my self-deprication or some such depressive issue and decide I'm not worth it. I would rather lose my right arm than lose him. I'm not really sorry about your second comment, but I am sorry for your loss. But learn from it and perhaps you will get a second chance sometime.

wilderness.magic
Community Member

Offline

Angel of Ruby
Community Member

Offline

Commented on: Sat Jul 02, 2005 @ 03:30am


	All you need is to have faith in your relationship. Trust yourself. The past is just mistakes that you have learned from. If you don't want to lose him then don't let him go. Don't worry so much it'll only make you have more pain. Just slow down a bit and spend your time with him alot then thinking about other things like losing him. If you love him that much then you wouldn't have to worry that much. Just have faith in yourself and your relationship with him. ^^Don't worry so much.

Commented on: Thu Jul 07, 2005 @ 01:47am


	Interesting...

Jigsaws Puppet
Community Member

Offline

Blaez
Community Member

Offline

Commented on: Sun Jul 17, 2005 @ 07:05am


	You seem to be very similar to my girlfriend... she always puts herself down... and does almost everything you do... and I always seem to find ways to cheer her up through either comedy or romance.

Commented on: Wed Jul 20, 2005 @ 03:53pm


	I feel very much like you some times... Just hold on to what you have, don't find a reason to ruin it. Trust me, let him help you, don't let your own self-doubt get in the way of letting him make you happy. Enjoy what you have, and don't take things too seriously.

Andizzle
Community Member

Offline

Anastasia_loves_BJ
Community Member

Offline

Commented on: Wed Jul 20, 2005 @ 08:22pm


	I was bored so I decided to read your journal...I hope you don't mind, seeing as how you don't know me... Quote: But sometimes I worry that my own self doubt and self deprication that comes from bouts of depression will end up pushing him away eventually. I don't know if I should worry, but I really find him too good to be true and keep looking for reasons that he isn't all that he appears to be. I can relate to that...Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone because I'm not exactly the perfect person. I don't have the best personality and I'm not very pretty (or skinny for that matter). And no one has ever liked me as much as my current b/f. I'm scared of losing him to someone better than I am. As a matter of fact, a few days ago, I was almost sure that I would start an argument because I thought that my b/f had a crush on someone else...I didn't wanna talk to him about it because I didn't wanna get into a big fight. And I felt so...dumb, and ugly, and everything that I'm not when I first thought he liked someone else. But, much to my liking, we didn't fight, but we in fact healed things up..and if I hadn't talked to him about it..I would have felt a lot worse.

Commented on: Wed Jul 27, 2005 @ 06:09pm


	reads whee It sounds like you doubt your love towards him... Are you really in love, or are you just looking for the perfect guy?

Dragon Aura
Community Member

Offline

wilderness.magic
Community Member

Offline

Commented on: Wed Jul 27, 2005 @ 09:46pm


	Angel of Ruby: You are very right. And the more I continue, the more I know that. I think my main problem has been getting depressed and then wanting to get rid of all the good in my life. He's been there for me through so much...any doubts I had that he loves me or I love him have faded. [AceOfSpades]: Dunno what that means or if it was supposed to be helpful... Blaez: You have a point and he does that for me when he can. Andizzle: It is a good point to not take things to seriously. It puts too much pressure on everything. nirvanna: I love when people read my journal, so no worries. And you're right, it's just something I'll have to get over with time. Dragon Aura: Interesting question. (Love your avi) I think everyone is always looking for the perfect partner, something they'll never find because you can always find fault with someone. But I think I'm more worried about losing the wonderful guy I do have through my own faults.

Commented on: Tue Mar 28, 2006 @ 08:57pm


	Wow honey, you can really write well. I feel like I'm really getting to know you through your journal. Don't let this guy go. Everyone has their down moments and even though I don't know him, I know he'll be there to support you through all of them.

Silent Comet
Community Member

Offline

Starluvr
Community Member

Offline

Commented on: Fri Dec 29, 2006 @ 03:55am


	Stop self-doubting yourself... didn't you say in a previous post that he also said he lvoed you? And don't worry, I bet he already feels your love... just because you love him wink Sometimes, you just understand these things.. and they don't need to be interpreted through words.. it can be interpreted through actions... just try to remember that feelings are.. well, usually mutual in a relationship.. and it needs to be mutual in order for the relationship to last.. you and Jon have been going on fairly well, so stop worrying and instead, enjoy your time with him, don't use that time to think how you're not showing enough love... or or you're not good enough.. I did that and it didn't do me any good.. so relax! Just.. Love him.. wink

User Comments: [13] [add]

Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

View User's Journal

More Information