So my brother finally told me last night he did not like me. i have not done anything wrong. he sat and cussed me out last night while i was driving..and i almost got killed by an oncoming car. sad but my mom was beside me and josh..just bitched at me. and my mom used that phony excuse of "i don't know what to do anymore" and she now has taken his side. i am expected to be him in martial arts, i am expected to be everything like him. but everyone talks s**t about how he is so bad behind his back. i am the only one that says it too his face. i feel so imprisoned...like i have no say so because i am 16, a girl, and i am not josh. what can be done? neutral
I feel so weird. like i have done something wrong, like i have betrayed the whole cosmic circle of beingand living. when i know deep down, i have not done anything. chris is the only one who seems to listen to me, and care for me and no judgement with held. but still i am skeptical about "am i worthy of such love?" cry i feel so alone..i can not be me i must act so grown up i have had to be like this all my life. i am so alone in the thinking paterns of which i hold, and i just think if people could they would erase me because of my waste of flesh and auror. i am tired of being me burning_eyes
why can i not grasp being a prisoner? why can i not jus be me..i have always searched for somthing that can not be found. i believe i found it ..chris. but perhaps i am just dreaming. that i could possibly be loved and be happy. i know it sounds cleche..but i don't expect many to understand. perhaps i am not me, anymore. i dread waking up, i dread dreaming of life, but the only thing that seems to pull me out is chris. the hope of one day we will be married and away from here, and he will take me away from this s**t
corey promised me before he left that these were his exact words "i will come back for you, i will not leave you in this wasteland of eternity" i believed him. then he died. and i died inside. my sanity was stripped along with my love and hope. an now i am just fading away with time.
at least chris has the curtousy to not promise me s**t he can not keep,. he respects me enough to just promise me what he can do. he told me that "i would i give you the world if i could" i believe him....
an i too easy? honestly am i?
 Orchids of Apocalypse · Mon Oct 15, 2007 @ 12:53am · 0 Comments |
