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Holding on is a fruitless effort. |
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Yes, cliche "relationship problem." Get the ******** over it, a journal is for crap like this.
It's an internet relationship. The only one that I took seriously, the last one I'll ever have
It's been a little over nine months ago since the first day I talked to my idea of perfection. I was, honestly, just coming out of a "relationship"(that is another story that I don't care to disclose.) And I thought "I hope life gets better than this," I thought of only that for a longest time. And finally, I meet him. He's absolutely perfect in every single way. He's everything I could ever want. I ranted about him to all my friends, saying "I found my soulmate, I know it."
Things were great for the first few days. We'd talk and talk and just seemed to click. It was the greatest feeling to feel confident and fearless, we could talk and there'd be no bitterness, only understanding and insight.
A speed bump we hit. I had to ******** it up. I got into a fight with a very close friend, and he made me break down. I was an emotional mess, definately not myself. I was talking to my love, and he's just telling me nothing but sweet talk, telling me he cares for me, and telling me I'm awesome. And I was so bitter at the time I didn't acknowledge him, I threw his words in his face.
I apologized the night after, told him I wasn't myself at the time. And he was.. well quite bitter to me. I felt I deserved it, since I felt horrid for my actions. But the words he said, they were a slap in the face. "It doesn't matter. We'll we ever get together? No Will we ever meet? Not a chance." I told him there could be a chance. Again, he only hit me with reality. Later that night, he told me we was feeling rather sick and delirious. I asked if I should take his words seriously, and he said not really. That was settled.
The next few weeks were rather sweet, I was still on my high of emotions, I was feeling ******** great. I was smiling whenever I thought of him. I actually dreamt of a future with him. Being older and together, and never in my wildest dreams did I dream of a future with anyone.
Another slap, and it stinged. "We've been together for a while, but we're on and off.." I fell for a taken guy. Too good to be true. And even if they were kinda together then broke up, and we hooked up, what would stop him from feeling for another girl? Nothing.
I felt shaken up. like this wonderful world of true happiness that brought me to a higher plane, was crumbling right under my feet.
Get ready for blow number two. The phone call I should have never made. I really felt I needed to talk to him. I needed someone to confide it, and it was my first time calling with out checking to see if it was ok first. He told me I shouldn't call unless I check, that was a given, and I was like "I'm really sorry.. but-"I was cut off by him. He was talking, talking about his girl and their complications. "The one girl I actually felt honored to date" And those words pierced me, they shot through my ear, into my brain, and out the other way. My heart turned into an anchor and sank into my body. I was in a true state of shock and dismay. I quietly repeated my words, "sorry." and hung up.
A couple of weeks later, I had to leave for a week. We were close, we were great. This week was going to be torture. I had him on my mind constantly. I dreamed of him every night, and woke to an empty pillow beside mine.
And I come back with no greetings. No more sweet talk, no more conversations, very little, if any, acknowledgment. "Screw that then, it was a fling." I was in love, but I wasn't so far in that I couldn't save myself.
Holloween morning, I say hi to him, he spills his life story about his girl and him. His girl lied to him, ******** him up real bad. And at this point I was almost over him. I was almost back to who I was. But I just fell back. He started it again, "It should have been you I was with, babe." That familiar charm. And I was thinking, maybe we'll hook up for real now.
Bzzt. Wrong. Another blow, right to the chest. He got himself some other girl, over the net. They lasted for a month maybe. And I felt myself sinking into what would be the worst situation of my life.
The next month was dull. We'd talk some, and my goal was to be a friend, and be there for him when others weren't. I didn't want to be a girl he could claim. I wanted to be a person he confide it.
December 30th - December 31st 2004. The greatest talk with him of my life. He finally apoligized. He finally said, "I know I've hurt you in the past...but you could be the one that unlocks something deep inside of me." I felt like I could be that one girl that treated him right. The one that mattered. And I was as happy as I could be we he asked me to be his girl.
It was all fake. Because the next day, he just ******** me over like the girls that done it to him. He confessed his love to another, and she was perfect. She was the one that "actually gave a s**t" about him. He lied to me. He betrayed me once again. Every word that spilled from his mouth was laced with poisonious deciet.
I had enough. I thought he knew he was my everything. I thought he knew my feelings never changed for him. I thought he knew I would give him anything if he asked. The only reason I hid, the only reason I held back, is because I was afraid of the inexorable fate. I was afraid of being hurt. And it happened. Maybe I should have been more assertive, told him he was my world. I was just so afraid of him. Afraid of the one I loved the most.
And now... it's been almost four months since the day. The sixth day of our official "relationship." I told him, "Choose. Me or her?" He chose her. From that day, he missed out the only girl that would have treated him like gold.
My last writing. My last time I ever think of him again. This is my closure.
You are nothing. And I know there are others out there now. I see it. I see a future now.
"The only person to make my heart pound in my chest. The only person to make me smile at the thought of them. The person of my dreams that manifested itself into flesh." You, my dear perfection, are a p***k.
-Schizoid
 Refined Corruption · Sun May 01, 2005 @ 02:42am · 0 Comments |
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