Okay. Where to start. I'm Shaman Youkai. I don't need to tell myself how old I am. I know who I am.
I could say I'm happy. I could lie and tell myself that nothing's wrong in my life. Yeah, I could lie, like I always do. What good does lying do?
I'm sick and I broke up with my boyfriend.
Ah yes, the deared boyfriend. Every girl dreams of her "Prince Charming". Every girl wants to be held and loved by the strong male figure. The kind of guy that makes the girl feel safe. The kind that can make her laugh. The kind that can make her dream of staying with the man forever.
I won't lie, I was happy with him. It was a great relationship. The kind that made me dream of going on forever. He seemed like everything I never had and could never match up to. I felt loved, I was in love.
At least that's what my heart told me. Or my mind. At this point, I really can't be sure anymore.
It's only been a week since I left him. He was never there. How is one supposed to feel loved and happy in a relationship, if the other is never there to share it? How is one supposed to pretend they're in love, when the mind is screaming out, trying to contradict the heart?
I continue to dwell on constant thoughts. Past thoughts, present thoughts and future thoughts. The more I try to forget, the more I remember. And my heart tries to say I am still in love. I try not to listen to the mind or the heart in a situation such as this. I've been torn apart enough as it is.
His dream was to be a rock star. He has a band, quite good from what I've heard. They're trying for a record deal. How do I know? My friend informed me just two days ago. She had talked with him.
He doesn't miss me. He isn't hurt. I was in his way, and he was in mine. I try to tell myself that it's for the better. We weren't in love the past few weeks. There was no exchange of I love you's. There was no contact. It was empty.
Love is a great and powerful thing. It can create and destroy the very core of a person. I don't regret falling in love. I do however, regret allowing it to destroy me.
I was Shaman Youkai. He was Kizami. The ideal pair, the definition of forever. We were, and will always be in love. We will return to the past and become lovers again. If the past were allowed to be turned to present, we would always be.
For Kizami. You taught me, loved me and shared dreams with me. We fought, cried and laughed as one. We would always be. Blessings to you, gentle kitsune.
Goodbye.
 Piratical_Nonsense_Youkai · Sun Sep 26, 2004 @ 12:41am · 0 Comments |
