Well, it started out as a typically jokingly inappropriate conversation; we'd had them many times before and nothing had ever really come of it. What was so different about last night? I have no idea where the line got blurred, and the only reason I realized it was was when we stopped discussing things in terms of objectivity and he started asking if it would really be wrong if we did those things we had been talking about. It was so increadibly heart breaking, and I felt so weak. It was easy enough to say no over a computer, when I didn't have to look at him and see him wanting me, and know that I wanted him. It was easy to shrug so much of it off as just a joke, but I don't have that liberty any more.
The conversation ends with him saying that he's going to go get some sleep, advising me to do the same, and saying that he loves me. Oh, plung the knife deeper! How many times have I heard that, or similar, from people in the past two years? "I love you. "I want you." "I adore you." "You're so much like her." But I'm never enough, am I? I'm always there to the side, to be taken out when their chosen girlfriends just can't cut it, can't satisfy something for them. Then I'm enough; then I'm more than "just like her". Are these things supposed to make me feel better? They don't. They simply make me feel inadequate; it's like telling me I was almost good enough, but not quite.
Good try.
Thanks for coming out.
I'm so sick of it! What the hell is it that I'm lacking, or is it that I seem so needy of affection that they think that this is enough? That all I need are these hollow words, and their attentions when they're hot and have nowhere else to turn? Wow, bright future for me. I'll always be almost enough for someone else, always seen as that quick fix to be kept as a cherised friend and sought for my body to be more from time to time; a friend with benefits. Never to be awarded with the status of being someone's love, just their mistress.
Is my career going to be like that, too? "We'd like to hire you, Dr. Crosby, you've got all of the qualifications we're looking for, but you're not quite.... it."
The Bookwyrm Community Member 
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