Mood: crying
You know... When Mom got on Bethany for not listening to me you know what I wanted to do? I wanted to talk to Chris.. Yes, the first person that came to mind was him. Not Sarah or Julia, but Chris and it amazed me. I wanted to tell him all of my fears about Bethany. About how I'm afraid that there is going to be one day when she is older and I'll be watching her and she is going to decide to do something that she isn't allowed to do, but I would be unable to do anything about it. She looks at me now with no fear of getting in trouble. She talks back to me when I tell her something, yells at me, and if she doesn't likes something or agree with what I say to do she'll throw a big fit saying she's going to do what she wants to do and I'll have to carry her while she kicks at me into the living room. She is only six years old but she scares me. I have no control over her.. I could tell her a million times that she can not do something and she'll still try to do it. The funny thing is that I'm so very proud of her. She's so smart and she has a killer imagination. You should have seen her gingerbread house that she brought home from school. She even made a little mail box to go with it. I remember last year I took my Computer Tech 1 class early so I could go to her kindergarten graduation that morning of my exams.. She was one of the first ones able to read out loud from a book in her class. She just totally amazes me with her accomplishments. I keep thinking,"Grandpa would be so proud of her." and thats how I want it to be, but I also feel like I still have something to prove. That I can be the best older sister for her. Someone that she can look up to, but I feel like I'm failing. All this and so much more I wanted to tell Chris about. I had no one else to talk to other then Mom, but sometimes there are just some things that I can't tell her. I ended up chickening out and just kept all my thoughts reeling through my mind until I could get on here with out another soul up and about and just hear the wonderful silence of night time. Soo much more I want to say, but its late.. I need my sleep since there are more days I must tackle.. More challenges.. More feelings I can't hold on to and exam for they are so unknown to me.
 SkylightRose152004 · Mon Dec 20, 2004 @ 05:30pm · 0 Comments |
