2-17
These pills mum has me on worry me. I've been suicidal since i was....between 7 and 8. Now i never attempted anything as several things up till now kept me from even trying. I thought about it a lot (still do. Especially now.) but i never held a dangerous object and paused. You know....wondering. Tettering on the edge of ones willpower wondering if your sadness, shame, guilt, anger, bitterness, jealousy, and helplessness are strong to push you off. I was there once when i was 9. Right after we moved to the states. Luckily i found mythology and Yddragisil saved me. After that, i never let myself take it that far. A few yrs later Yddragisil alone wasn't cutting it. I started thinking that if i had lost chivalrious qualities i held so dear, why should keep the morals too? Why pretend to have something i didn't?
Again, luckily i read an article about a sister who lost her brother to suicide. They never even knew he was upset. And they were all so hurt that he didn't talk to them. Soon after, i saw a show about a suicide. The girlfriend helped him. She said if she wasn't enough to keep him happy enough to make him stay, why force to stay in misery?
After that i shoved it aside. I care about too many people now to think how they'd react if someone posted i'd committed suicide on my fb wall (sad that's the first i think should happen...) so i havn't let it get so far. But i recently i started cutting again. Which i expected honestly considering what i've been doing.
(sorry if i'm random or sporadic. I'm talking to fliss right now and she's making this impossible. All her happy, cute, infectious, constantly sinful adorableness....lol though she is a great example)
Anyway. So recently (like just a couple weeks ago) i've been toying with another idea. Which in a way is suicide. When the semester is over (or when i move out) i was thinking about taking a month off. Lol i need a month with what i wanna do. I want to be in total piece and quiet so i can focus. Dwell on my worries and let them go. Disassociate any feelings from all of my past memories. I don't care what feeling good or bad. Erase it all. I'm hoping by the end of that this will be uneccassary, but i might still have to force my brain/concious/soul/personality into one being. That might be impossible as i have no idea to go about that, but i'll try.
Now this is like suicide beacuse if i succeed, what made me...well me would be gone. I'd no longer have those memories and emotions and the personality that was me would be mushed up with two others.
Lol that's what i mean by sinfully adorable. I've put off writing this until now and now i forgot what i writing. (grr...stupid thing just erased like the 3 paragraphs i'd written. I think two of them were about flissy o.o $
Anyways fliss read my journals. Mortifing. But she only parts of some so it's infuriating too. Lol on the June 30th entry she thought i was talking bout Logan. I didn't even talk to him a lot until like right before that entry was made. I have this thing with shyness and not butting in peoples business. Besides i don't love Logan. Ok i do. But stfu! Doesn't matter. Even if i do, i can't do anything about it. He's too perfect. Always feel as though i'm a game to him.....not that that matters either as i can't allow myself to run away from ginzo and flissy. I may hate being undecisive and not be able to give all of my heart to one of them, i will not let myself run. Not again. Maybe if i stay and fight things will work out....
But running will be like me forgetting them. And i would be upset anyways so why not fight to be happy? Wonder if that's why people do it.....
Ugh. Right now i feel excellent and terrible at once.
And yeah i don't remember anything else i had written. Sorry.
 BSPBleach · Sat Feb 18, 2012 @ 04:55am · 0 Comments |
