|
|
|
Wow. Well I havn't really had anything to write......Ok, so umm, today I took my final for my ACA class. Last class too, so I've now officially survived my first college class. Mum's bugging me bout summer classes. Today is also my recently passed grandmothers birthday, so I have to listen to a lot of crying and people upset or angry. And I know it sounds bad, I see why people would be upset, I would miss them too. But I don't understand why people, are...like that. Their Christians, so they believe that when you die you go to heaven, be with Jesus and all that. It's supposed to be paradise. So why are they upset that their loved ones are now in paradise? On the matter of death, my approach is similar to the Jedi. You shouldn't grieve, but rejoice in their passage, for they are now freed from all burdens and worries, and are truly at peace. You may miss them, just as you would anyone who you truly care for and are used to having by who has been gone a long time. How do people, couples even families, get by when their mother or father are gone for days, weeks, months at a time? Because they know that they love them, and that they will always be in their hearts. Same for those who have died. They will always be with you, even if you can't see them. I mean do you want them to see you upset? Make them feel guilty, like they abandoned you and now your upset or even depressed? No. No I wouldn't want that. It's alright to miss someone, but contain it. Not bottle it up, but contain it. Keep it in perspective for lack of better wording. I can't find an adaquete way to put this......
You know when they told me she died, I had no reaction. They thought I didn't care. My mother of course thinks I'm just bottling it up. I'm not. I just wasn't close to her, so I can't miss her presence very much. I only saw her like maybe 8 times in my life. So I'm not going to get all bent out of shape crying that I miss her, 'cuz I really have no grounds to. She is someplace better, releived of her addiction, her debts, all her problems. I'm happy for her. She doesn't have to be sad or lonely anymore. Though I wish she could've taken her cat with her......
Okay well I had to take a break to give nii chan and nee chan a bath and stuff, so of course I lost the course that all of that was going. I would just write something else, but its nothing new. This time of day, it's all old crap, self-loathing, self-counseling. 'Cept tonight I was talking to myself about how the only time someone has ever hurt me in any way (besides of course my family and someone else we aren't mentioning right now) is when I allow myself to get close to them at all. If I let a single wall or guard down, if I let them in an inch.....I give them the power to hurt me. And most times, they don't even know that they hurt me. Everyone around me thinks they know every little thing about me. Probably my impeccable people skills (loathing not gloating) and so they think I'm this detatched, suicidal, goth, stick in the mud heathen. But I'm not a heathen or suicidal. (lol yes I can't deny the others) WHen in actuality (ooo I'm using big words now XD ) not a single person that knows me, knows my favourite colour, my favourite book, my favourite food, my favourite art or favourite music. They don't know any of that. They don't know what I love to do in my free time, hell my mother didn't even know what my childhood dream was until today and I told her about one of my final questions that was based off it. Some of my teachers know more about me than anyone that actually knows me. People online......well they pretty much know all but the deepest realms of my labriynth of a mind. They at least know what BSP stands for........
Okay I'm going to cry. Damn it. I hate writing these things. Which is actually a contradiction, 'cuz I like to write, and I like to write journal thingys 'cuz I know they're good for me. I need to 'vent' somehow, and I'll be damned twice over if I'm going to do it aloud ever again.
 BSPBleach · Wed Apr 13, 2011 @ 03:02am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
