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I want to set my mind all free. |
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I have eighteen hours left of my vacation, as of five PM my time.
Yeah, I am counting down; just a little.
I had not had this much time to myself in three years. For a burned out, harried and tired introvert who was past the point of being nice at certain key points (which only added to the entire mess- I like to be nice, despite my not being able to give people the time and attention that they need, and I really hate letting people down) this vacation was needed so badly that I don't know whether to be horrified about tomorrow or try to start telling myself it will be good and fine and well because I have been told I will have another chance at having another week in September or so.
...But that involves trusting that I will actually get the week, which despite having this one I do not, and on top of all that it means going back into everything and more that stresses me so much at a point in time where I know a time-out dangled in front of my nose like a carrot seems more like punishment then reward.
I love aspects of my job. I love them so much that like other aspects of my life- Gaia, as an example- the things that stress me about it is outweighed by that love and makes it worth it, even though it seems at times that I am taking damage just to have it in my life. It's like getting on here and seeing tons of PMs asking me why I have not responded or telling me to respond faster when all I wanted to do was get on to write a little; it's not the PMs themselves that bother me but the overflowing of the feelings that I have at such remarks. I do not think that anyone means ill by them- it's not their fault I am backed up and only have a little time to get out more responses then I have the time to do them; also, Gaia IS interaction with people on one level or the other, so I could just as easy avoid the entire thing by just refusing to post or PM or reply or comment or do pretty much anything but lurk and jigsaw. I know for a fact that others do not have these persistent feelings that I have; nor do they have the reactions to things that I do, nor do I have some of the stresses that some of you have. I realize how lucky I am, despite my grousing, I just wish that I could stop taking it so damned personal- if I could stop time I would do so in order to have the time to do everything that needs to be done and should be done and things I would LIKE to get done but until I get a time machine or can stop time with the force of my mind there are still only twenty-four hours of the day with at least eight to ten of them going to work (unless it is a double, which is yay for money but that is about it) at least five days of the week and after that the various obligations I have to keep before I settle down to do things like this. I hope I am saying this right but it is not the PMs or what is in them that I take personal. It is my lack of time that I take personal, like I have never taken anything personal in my life before.
Having said that, I feel like I need to let everyone know that I am going to spend the next few hours working on PMs and emails, hoping to get this last batch completely done before I head off to sleep before work. Seventeen emails to get out and only eight PMs to get out, which is really not a lot at all and is a welcome break from thirty-plus. I feel that is manageable.
And even though it might not sound like it, I am at a good place in my life right now and feeling a little bit better day by day. I took a wrecking ball to some personal matters not too terribly long ago and little by little I am slowly building back again- it is just slow going and due to wanting to do things right this time around there are days where I tear down what I have worked on all week to start over again.
What can I say? I am a perfectionist.
So until I make an edit in here I am going to be working on PMs in my usual fashion- saving them all up and then sending them all out when I am done. This method works best for me because I work faster and do not have to slap my hand to keep myself from answering something that just came in. It's also more fair, I believe. I start with the oldest thing and work from there, letting the first-come-first-served method do the hardest part for me: choosing what to answer in what order. I love so much to do this- just wish I had more time to do it. sweatdrop
And on a related note: For those of you who have been patient and expressed your kindness and understanding (and I like to think that you know who you are)- thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. gonk heart You guys ARE the reason that I keep trying on here, that make me love this site and what I do on here so much. It's one thing to write, another completely different thing to share it and have someone enjoy it with you- and that is all I ever wanted. I love to write and I love to know that it makes someone else happy, too. And along the way to have met some great kick-a** people as I have on here? Who could ask for me?
(I am trying to be nice, but there's a part of me that thinks that if I have to I will start to put a..."karma system" into place with how I answer my PMs and reply back to things. Right now I try to do it the fair way but the more I get some of the replies I am getting it makes me want to put certain replies before others- like for every "WHY YOU NOT TALKING TO ME?! I PMEDYOUTENSECONDSAGOANDYOUNOANSWERMEEEEEE!" reply I get I will just knock it down the list until I get done with the people that understand's replies first. It is how I used to do it- and it worked bad for certain people, let me tell you- but in a way I feel like I am punishing good behavior and rewarding the bad by continuing to do things as I have been. What do you guys think? twisted )
TLDR- Going back to work tomorrow. Will work to get as much caught up tonight while I still can. Will not have a lot of free time for a couple of days so please bear with me while I try to get back into the swing of things with work and people outside of work and here and myself. Having a hard time juggling everything but it is not personal- doing the best I can to get thirty hours worth of work done in two hours. Not trying to be mean to anyone, just trying to figure out a better way of doing things and managing my time. If it seems like I am hard to deal with I apologize. Trying to fix a lot of things right now while I am working in the dark.
 RadiantFlare · Sat Jul 03, 2010 @ 10:00pm · 2 Comments |
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