I suck at romantic stuff.
Well, I mean, if I actually went on dates and had boyfriends, I could be quite the romantic. Sometimes I wish to be a guy so I could be all romantic and seduce a girl. But, alas, I like being female and I'm not finding myself to be sexually attracted to females, so I'll just go with being a girl with romantic ideals.
But when it comes to dealing with boys who I have "more-than-friends" interest in, I suck at it.
I've told my story of Ben. That chapter is done. I only look back at that chapter for the lessons.
It's likely going to be the same with my current object of affection. And I use "object" because, really, I just mentally objectify the guys I have this type of interest in. I take in some of the information about them, and then I manipulate it in my mind and my fantasies without even really seeing these young men as human beings.
Of course, my difference with Adam is that we became friends first. Well, acquaintances, leaning on the side of friends. He let me borrow his copies of a book series that he introduced to me. And, to be honest, I've learned a lot from Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series. For instance, "ka is a wheel." In this series, "Ka" is pretty much destiny, only more powerful. Destiny is a wheel. It always comes back to the same starting point.
One of the lessons I learned from Ben was that I need to get off my a** and do what I want to do. For the past few months, I've been trying to get my guts together to make a move on Adam. I sound so sleazy. By "make a move" I mean "ask out on a date." Is that still sleazy? I don't think so.
As for the "cajones?" It means drawers. Change a letter and you have balls.
My good friends and I joked that I needed the cojones to ask him out. Then we debated on the meaning of cojones versus cajones.
For my birthday, my best friend's boyfriend (also becoming a very good friend of mine) gave me cajones and a little swine flu plushie.
A few months and Tarot readings later, I decided that today I was going to actually find my ca/ojones and ask him out. I decided on my wording. I'd say something like, "Hey, Adam, you wanna see a movie together sometime?"
I planned it for right after Animation class. We had a good conversation going aaaaaand.... I missed my chance. So, with my head all confused and my self esteem cowering before the negative inner voice telling me how much of a chicken I am, I decided that I HAD to ask him today. It was fate. It was destiny. Ka is a wheel.
So I went from my first lunch spot to my second one (where Adam and my other band friends hang out) and right before class started, when everyone was leaving, I caught up with him and I did it.
Me: "Hey, Adam, quick question, really quick."
Him: "Yeah?"
Me: "You wanna see a movie sometime?"
There! I asked him! I just faced one of my biggest anxieties, and I was still standing. Ha! Take that, negative inner voice!
But wait...
Him: *hesitation* "Um... I dunno. Maybe. Mind if I think about it?"
(Me: *stomach decided to go cliff diving*)
So I said sure in my normal, friendly tone, and then frolicked off to class.
As soon as I was out of his sight, I stopped frolicking and just walked with heavy footsteps.
Well, I made progress in my personal growth. I actually asked a guy out. Not just any guy, but a guy that I have interest in and who isn't a druggie. He's a geek, like me, and he's smart and kind. I actually fell for a good guy this time! And I had the confidence to actually say something, to actually make a move. I should be proud of myself!
But I'm not.
Isn't "maybe" usually just a way of saying, "I'm not going to say yes, but I'm too nice/like you too much as a friend to say no and don't want to hurt you" or "I don't want to say yes but you haven't left room for me to say no without sounding like a complete jackass"?
But my more optimistic friends say just to give it some time and he'll give me an answer. Maybe he was just surprised, taken aback, and really does need to think about it. I mean, he doesn't seem like he gets movie invitations by girls every day. He's kind of awkward and geeky, and my question did come pretty suddenly.
Of course, it probably doesn't help that for the past few weeks, Mike, (my best friend's boyfriend and good buddy of mine) has been telling Adam during Calculus class to "keep an open mind." Apparently he's now afraid of plotting that has something to do with Mike. And his fedora. But Mike's not involved, except for the cryptic messages. Goodness, I hope he doesn't spoil it for me and make things awkward, as he seems likely to do.
Well, what's the worst that could happen?
That Adam is no longer interested in my friendship and things get incredibly awkward because of his extreme awareness in my attraction for him and his complete and utter discomfort with it.
No, logically, the worst that could happen is that he says no and then we have a few awkward days, but still manage to converse, and then just put the whole thing behind us.
The logical thing to happen? No acknowledgment.
The best? He accepts, we go to a movie, he finds himself enamored of me, and we go steady for a while. But that would propose a whole bunch of new problems. Like the fact that he's a senior and graduating and how likely is it that I'll see him again? Then again, he's going to the same college my brother goes to, which is where pretty much everyone in the school goes to, and he'll probably come back in the marching season to check up on the band, and we're connected on Facebook, so it's not like I'll never see him again.
But I just want to focus on tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Now I need to finish my History project and Chemistry homework.
This is Horse lady, busy, angsty, and hopeful, always hopeful, forever hopeful, signing out.
Katie Sea Community Member 
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