I feel like ranting. Mainly the whole issue of love. It makes us do some of the stupidest s**t doesn't it? I get jealous and begin to degrade myself for no reason. I start to wonder what people see in me and it tears me up when I can't think of anything good.
I think I may have some abandonment issues or something. I am use to being left behind and when people don't actually up and leave me behind it starts to make me uneasy. It's like I want them to do it cause I know it will happen sooner or later. I know I even start some of the break ups myself and start to distance myself before they can hurt me. But then I always miss them once they are gone.
I'm all kinds of ******** up. My life has not been an easy one, it's had it's ups and downs just like everyone else does. But those lame a** kids that whine cause 'mommy and daddy' did not get them a new car for their 16th birthday need to shut the ******** up. At least their parents care and are around for them. Being raised by other people is just not fun.
I got a lot of s**t for it as well growing up. My Grandparents raised me on and off for a good portion of my life. I remember Christmas coming around and all the other grand kids were pissed off cause I got more presents from Grandma and Grandpa.
Yet what they failed to realize was that when they got to go home with their Mom and Dad I had no one else to go to. All I had was my Grandparents. Even now I have no contact with them and it hurts a little when I see my Aunts and Uncles yelling at their kids for something they plan to do or did. They do it because they do care. If I decided to up and move this instant, I could. Just fly the coop and disappear. Yeah I know quite a few people would miss me, but I don't have that Mother or Father who would say "Your a** ain't leaving here." And then threaten to keep me home in some way.
And yet I like that feeling. The one thought that I can do as I please.
The one thing that is really bothering me at the moment.
LOVE
I am with this really great guy. Him and his kids are just amazing. I feel extremely lucky to be with him and it's because of that, that I hurt. He can do better then me. I mean, I'm fat, I don't have a unique personality, I got a bad eye and I'm not very pretty. So why the ******** is he with me? I see some of his friends he hangs out with and they are really pretty and I start to wonder why isn't he with her? I've heard some of his 'little' stories of some of the girls he's been with and he out numbers me by far. I mean I don't know when he lost his virginity but he's been practicing since then and I've only got 3 years...and believe me that is not a lot.
I'll see where it all goes for now. If I end up getting hurt by this, I'll deal like I always have with the bad...but if it does not go the way I think it will it actually turns into something good...how will I deal with it? That's the problem I am having.
I Never Meant To Start A War,
You Know I Never Wanna Hurt You.
Don't Even Know What We're Fighting For.
Why Does Love Always Feel Like A Battlefield?
A Battlefield, A Battlefield.
Why Does Love Always Feel Like A Battlefield?
A Battlefield, A Battlefield.
I Guess You Better Go And Get Your Armor.
