lately, i've moved out of my mistress's house. they say that its not really over until its over. like sometimes we dont realize that something is gone just because we say it is. with my van packed full of my stuff driving to my new place, the brutal finality of it hit me like a ton of bricks.
there's an odd feeling you get, standing amidst your heroes. you feel like one of them, but something in your head tells you that you're just not. standing next to a mistress that can defend herself takes away the pride of protecting her. cleaning for a woman that can do your job 10x better takes the glory out of doing a good job. living with people who are dealing with debt always makes you feel like you're not giving enough.
in the end, i just couldn't afford it. the price of my high maintenance mistress and her high maintenance house was more than i and my bank account could cope with. i left her with a couple thousand dollars worth of utility bills in my name and a bank account taht was overdrawn.
i just want to post this...just to see if anyone that sees this agrees. it was time to move out. there was nothing i could do for this woman.
bardtjoden (7:43:49 PM): helo?
bardtjoden (7:58:41 PM): i need to talk to you later
GsilentRain went idle at 8:00:42 PM.
GsilentRain returned at 8:30:30 PM.
GsilentRain went idle at 8:40:47 PM.
GsilentRain returned at 8:51:40 PM.
GsilentRain (8:51:56 PM): why
bardtjoden (8:52:11 PM): we got papers today
bardtjoden (8:53:15 PM): what are we going to do?
GsilentRain (9:06:29 PM): Well since you have choosen to no longer be collared by me, under my care or my responsibility the question you need to be asking is what are you going to do. I no longer speak for you nor do I hold any responsibility for you or your well being. That was your choice and now this is also a choice you have to make on your own.
bardtjoden (9:12:15 PM): collar or not, this is still my pack. i didn't join this merry little band for the bling. i follow you and scott because i trust in your strength. that is my wish. unless you just really want me out of your life. then i'll respect that too.
GsilentRain (9:14:07 PM): Honestly you don't want me to answer that
bardtjoden (9:14:27 PM): you know what is really ******** up?
GsilentRain (9:15:26 PM): No what you did was ******** up
GsilentRain (9:15:41 PM): Expecting more then that is ******** up
bardtjoden (9:17:21 PM): i use to hang around for hrs. waiting on some errand some lil chance to serve. i get over that and suddenly i'm not around enuf. all that's required of me chores and rent, i come to realize that and its not enuf. then we're facing this eviction s**t and i'm danggling on this "faith" string feeling ******** helpless. i can't take this s**t on my back. the few moments i ever did feel stuff was ok was when i was able to steal those precious few moments from you. cuz seriously? there is nothing i can do about all this, but i'd like to take it in the face. that's just the kind of guy i am.
GsilentRain (9:27:21 PM): Look, this is going to sound heartless and it is but you can't say you weren't warned you just refused to believe but I honestly don't care. The moment that left your neck I stopped caring period. At this point in time I wouldn't know if you'd died up there because I don't care enough to check anymore. Not my responsibility. You left this "pack" when you took off your symbol of belonging, That was your choice to leave us and our pack remember? That wasn't us kicking you out you did this. And now your going to have to grow up and deal with the consequences of that action because I have NO sympathy for you
bardtjoden (9:28:12 PM): and all the bills being in my name...what's that a symbol of?
GsilentRain (9:32:44 PM): It was a symbol of you belonging now it's just that a bill or bills
GsilentRain (9:32:54 PM): You chose that not us
bardtjoden (9:34:38 PM): my collar was a bond that i shared with 'YOU'. not scott. my collar was a bond that i entrusted my responsibility to you. now that we are just trying to survive, i aint gonna have my massive a** worrying you. my place in this pack is just as solid as it ever was. more so as i 'keep' proving my loyalties. and you, our fearless leader, is the one i still follow. you chose me for one quality or another. this is just me being me. be proud.
GsilentRain (9:40:00 PM): What you don't get is that you BROKE that bond with me the moment you took my connection with you off your neck. There is nothing for me to be proud of. That was lost the second you rejected my collar and nothing will ever make that right
bardtjoden (9:42:23 PM): the connection? i can still feel you in my head. i'm not sure what's got me puddled in the floor more often, your stress or my depression. our bond is something that cannot be dissolved so easily.
GsilentRain (9:43:10 PM): For me it was dissolved the second that came off and I'm not about to go through that s**t again
bardtjoden (9:44:19 PM): hate and love are two sides of a coin called passion.
GsilentRain (9:44:50 PM): No hate is very cold, callused and the only passion in hate is for distance
bardtjoden (9:47:22 PM): the truest passion in hatred is called "satisfaction". all i wanna know is what you've got planned and if there's space in it for me.
GsilentRain (9:48:12 PM): Why would I want someone around me who isn't loyal and doesn't care about commitment
bardtjoden (9:50:00 PM): i wont abandon you until i know you're ok w/o me.
GsilentRain (9:51:18 PM): I was fine without you before you came and I'm fine without you know and I'll be fine without you in the future. You neither brought anything into my life I can't live without nor took away anything from my life I can't live without. Any good was erased with the removal and that's just how it is
bardtjoden (9:52:43 PM): i see. and now you see me so worthlessly...
GsilentRain (9:54:35 PM): That pretty much sums it up
bardtjoden (9:57:04 PM): i really did love being owned. thankyou so much for showing me all that.
GsilentRain (10:00:09 PM): Honestly If I could take every second back to not go through what you've now done to my family I would in a second
bardtjoden (10:01:45 PM): so mote it be.
GsilentRain (10:12:57 PM): It was done the second you made the choice, You made this decision, not me, you and for that there is nothing I can say to but know what you are fully doing before you do it if it means that much to you because obviously I never meant s**t to you
bardtjoden (10:16:09 PM): you were my world. you, actually, still are.
GsilentRain (10:25:08 PM): Too bad you didn't think about that before you decided to turn your back on me
bardtjoden (10:28:56 PM): i didn't turn my back on you. i just can't take dealing with all of this with a collar on. i can't make you happy. you're inconsolable. i can't satisfy you, satisfaction equates failure. i've never been thru any of this stuff before and i have adjustmental issues. yes, thankyou. cleaning was all i had to do and if i could have managed to keep my nose down long enuf to keep my head down, maybe i wouldn't ahve even been phased by this stuff, but the longer this goes on, the more it streses you, the more all hose little alarms go off in my head and i can't serve you happily anymore because my service is now a source of stress. you might have just as well hooked up my collar to a car battery.
GsilentRain (10:29:59 PM): Bullshit
bardtjoden (10:30:58 PM): oh, and i forgot to mention that the cleaning i did do was never enuf cuz you TRAINED MERRY MAIDS...wtf was i supposed to do? i'm always an insufficient expenditure.
GsilentRain (10:33:06 PM): So basically you felt inadequate because of you not me and you made the decision that you weren't good enough. That insecurity didn't come from me it came from you and YOU made the decision for me that you weren't good enough I DIDN"T do that, you did. Not me, YOU
bardtjoden (10:34:19 PM): exactly. i didn't turn my back on this pack. i've done everything i could do from day one to be everything i could be.
GsilentRain (10:34:32 PM): Bullshit
bardtjoden (10:34:51 PM): well, yeah, lately i'm kinda melted
GsilentRain (10:35:05 PM): That is exactly what you've done. You absolutely did turn your back on THIS pack and This family You one hundred percent did do that
GsilentRain (10:35:51 PM): And no you refused to get past YOUR insecurities and be everything I knew you could be. Your personal fear is what failed you, NOT me, you failed you
bardtjoden (10:39:55 PM): yes, i know, and the tricky bit about life, that they dont tell you about in the "life's not a game" speech is that its really more like a concert...it doesn't matter how bad you ******** up, you keep f'ing playing because you only get one song to try with. so here i am. ******** up. keeping playing. still ******** up, and still keeping playing. eventually, i will figure out how to put all this s**t out of my head and just get the job done.
GsilentRain went idle at 10:45:52 PM.
GsilentRain returned at 10:53:52 PM.
GsilentRain (10:58:30 PM): Yep but when you basically shut down the instrument rather then continueing to play the ******** up song you've decided to walk away from the concert and sit in the dressing room and b***h because the concert wasn't to your liking
bardtjoden (11:01:35 PM): you know...i've seen alot of bs emo teens out there bitching because they were born with the wrong hair color...we're going to be evicted...the bills are stacking up...this is a pretty decent reason to freak out
GsilentRain (11:03:37 PM): No it really isn't because unlike emo BS this is real life and unlike fantasy BS where you can quit this is being an adult, sticking with your choices and making hard choices and keeping going through those rough times.
GsilentRain (11:03:53 PM): You failed miserably
bardtjoden (11:05:32 PM): then i'm 0/1. or do we just kill the weak around here? honestly?...all i've managed to do so far is try to take responsibility. its not like i've been living here for months w/o rent.
GsilentRain (11:06:11 PM): No taking responsibility would have been taking the commitment you made and sticking it out
GsilentRain (11:06:40 PM): The only weakness I've seen is you being to weak to stick to your commitment
GsilentRain (11:07:18 PM): Being a part of this family is more then paying rent, apparently you didn't notice
bardtjoden (11:09:30 PM): being a part of this family has nothing to do with wearing a collar. its about sticking together and doing our best. are you really any less happier without a pet boy?
GsilentRain (11:10:06 PM): That answer you'll never have the pleasure of knowing. You don't deserve an answer.
GsilentRain (11:10:15 PM): Being a part of this family for you WAS the collar
GsilentRain (11:11:21 PM): Why don't you try being honest with yourself for once.
GsilentRain (11:11:29 PM): You aren't a part of anything in this house
GsilentRain (11:12:08 PM): When you dropped that collar all you wanted to see was my reaction to prove something to you that's all. It wasn't about ME it was all about you being selfish and playing the same mind games your family does with you
GsilentRain (11:12:17 PM): Only difference is with me that don't work
GsilentRain (11:12:20 PM): I don't play
GsilentRain (11:12:52 PM): You got tired of working and not having someone tell you constantly what a great job you were doing and you threw a tantrum like a child
GsilentRain (11:13:03 PM): That is all it was to you.
GsilentRain (11:14:12 PM): For me, it was something completely different and I honestly thought you were mature enough to understand but you weren't. This was a pixie dust collar to you with no more meaning then you're next online/phone mistress. Something you can throw away and take a break from when you are tired
GsilentRain (11:14:46 PM): It doesn't work that way in the real world, Here people have commitments and promises and keep them
GsilentRain (11:15:13 PM): Not just when they feel like it. none of this it got too hard BS or it was a better choice for you crap.
GsilentRain (11:17:17 PM): Bullshit, the only person you were ever thinking of was you, not me, not this "pack" and certainly not anyone else in this house. So guess what, you got it. You got exactly what you wanted, you sabotaged yourself and now you have ALL of it, right in your lap. This isn't family when it's convienient, It's 24/7 and 365 and NO one in this "pack" trusts you, your word or your promises because all you've proven is that you will come before ANYONE else
GsilentRain (11:20:14 PM): So yeah, all those Bills and everything else that is in your name is YOUR responsibility because you lost the support and Protection of This pack when you turned your back on me and on the pack itself. That's reality. That's what I and everyone else tried to tell you that you refused to hear. You're on your own. Your own. NOT MY PROBLEM> Your choice
GsilentRain (11:21:05 PM): The ONLY thing I will do for you is cover the check I wrote to wal mart because I did say that was my responsibility
GsilentRain (11:21:44 PM): As for the rest you're just a room mate, not family not pack just some a*****e who never comes downstairs and does nothing for anyone but himself.
GsilentRain (11:23:42 PM): You brought this on yourself, your choices dictated this life for you. All I did was try to love something that was completely unworthy of my time. And that's me being nice.
bardtjoden (11:26:54 PM):
bardtjoden (11:33:57 PM): just to set you at ease, i want you to know that i'm not going to be selfish. you dont have to worry about me putting myself first.
GsilentRain (11:34:57 PM): too late
GsilentRain (11:35:07 PM): but I don't worry about it
sebastiandefaol Community Member 
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