Where to begin? The story is so long, so confusing, that I couldn't possibly summarize it right now, if ever. Will I ever know the entire story?
(*feels like being poetic-ish*)
I'm not the most confident person; I haven't been since I was in preschool. I don't know what happened, but I just grew up to be very shy. Luckily, though, the extreme shyness didn't overcome me until after I had gained a few trustworthy friends that I were used to, and that I'm still best friends with to this day.
But when I joined the color guard, I knew that I wanted to be captain, despite my being an introvert. So next year I finally have my chance, and tryouts are now. The rest of the guard absolutely loves me, as do the staff, and the rest of the band either loves me or doesn't know me. I know my guard exercies well. I know my guard skills well. What I don't know is how to be more assertive, how to be more confident. I mean, I'll be confident enough to scream and kick and fight back if someone was physically attacking me... Or would I? I'm a pacifist (or possibly even a coward), avoinding any kind of conflict that I can... How would I know whether or not I'd just shrink into a fetal position and pray for it all to be over soon enough?
Basically, my confidence skills are nonexistent, and this poses another problem, besides trying out for guard captain (in which I'll need to be able to confidently and loudly run warm-ups).
It's been at least a year and a half, and I haven't made any progress with the guy I like. I've gotten in a couple of words here and there, but I think in all, all of the words that he and I have exchanged over all the time I've known him could make up one tiny little paragraph. Not even enough to consitute a technical paragraph, which needs at least five sentences (of course, writers often bend this simple rule due to format and subject changing, but five sentences was the basic rule I learned when growing up).
He's a senior; I'm a sophomore. The semester is almost done, and then I'll never be in band with him ever again, except for one parade and possibly one short field trip, both of which I won't get much free time to say anything to him.
So a friend of mine suggested that I just take him aside during Lunch break and tell him out I feel. At first I was against this idea, because I just wanted to develop a nice friendship with him first, and then try to get into a relationship, but at this rate I have no time. In all of the times I've tried to initiate a conversation before, he hasn't responded. He has no interest in me. Not like, not dislike, but just nothing. I'm just that girl who wore the blue vest in guard last year. I happen to be the little sister of a guy that was in two of his classes last year. I'm one of the three sophomores trying out for captain for next year.
That's all.
So since there's absolutely nothing on his side, and since my time with him is pretty much up already, what do I have to lose? If things go badly, then I'll only have to deal with him and the other seniors for a few more months. But he's a respectable guy, and if I tell him, I'll do it in the most respectable way that I can, and he'll respond in a polite respectable way. "I'm quite flattered, but I don't feel the same way." I know that. I'm prepared for it.
So here I am, having spent the last year and a half of my life suffering from unrequited L-word. The first person who has held my interest since my last relationship, the first respectable person that I could like; the first person with such a nice, good, strong energy.
But I guess that's all I'm attracted to; psychic power and pureness. I don't know if he's a telepath (though he almost seems that way sometimes), if he's a healer, if he's just the son of a healer, or if his soul was even originally human; he acts normal (albiet slightly wacky), looks normal (albiet very beautiful, though it's weird to use that word to describe a young man), and speaks normally (though he sings like an angel).
Oh, I lost my train of thought (and my breath) just thinking about him.
I just hope that my soul mate has an energy as strong and full of light as his.
So while I get ready for part two of my guard captain audition, I'll stop thinking about him, because I have a task at hand.
In a way, I guess I just chose power over love. It's only logical. Power means I can feed a family (in the long run, I guess) and gain admiration from the good I do with my power.
Love means I can stare into his deep grey eyes all day long.
But it's unrequited, so the only thing I can choose is power. Love isn't there for me, so I'm left to choose logic.
This is Horse lady, and wish me luck on audition part 2, signing out!
Katie Sea Community Member 
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