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Tu 16 Dec 08 The real me Warning Part 1
Warning! Warning! What you are about to read is a confession or The truth about who I really am but be warned what you read here I have never told no one not even my best friend or even my own mother.
So you all have been warned this may hurt people I know who read this but it has to said I have to get it out in the open so I’ll say sorry now I don’t mean to hurt anyone.
I’ve being doing a lot of thinking lately about who, I am since I’m now 18 year old.
I’ve changed so much in the past 5 year I’m no longer the same person I once was, as most people know but for those who don’t I was more the tomboy then the girlie girl I hated wearing dresses not that I didn’t wear them and I hate the colour pink I love purple anyway I have change so much I barely know who I am now, I’m still the same girl but I don’t think the same anymore.
Note: if I was asks about any of these Questions 5 years ago I would have said “no”
Straight, Gay or both?
What am I, I don’t know the answer to this question I never have, it all started one day on the bus to school (high school) I wasn’t listening to what someone had asked me I just said “yes” the question was I think “are you gay” but when I realized what I had said I send making a joke “I don’t know” but I was thinking I’m I? I really don’t know the answer to this question.
I know I liked a boy once even if he was younger then me at the time but he moved away I think I only had feelings for 3 boys, two in high school one I hated as much as I liked him the other because of the way he looked not that I remember these two’s names but I do remember the other his name was Eric he had short orange hair and blue eyes (I think they may have been brown) his voice was a mix of Aussie and Sottish (or was is Irish I like then both) that’s the type of boy I have like since it’s the Sottish (Irish)voice I always thought it was beautiful and I always will till the day I die.
But for some reason I don’t know why when I look at a girl I didn’t even know who she was, I felt funny and I couldn’t stop looking at her, she was beautiful I guess long dark brown hair to her waist I didn’t see her eyes because she didn’t turn back around to look at me but I still couldn’t shake the feeling I had when I looked at her some I turned away trying to forget, this has happened to me 3 time maybe more over the past 5 years.
All of them boy or girl were beautiful every one I don’t know why but I can’t understand why I was attracted to these people maybe it was it was their beauty or maybe it was just me or just maybe it was
Both.
Why I never went on a Date?
For those who know me I have never had date because I have always thought boys were stupid and immature since the don’t act their age but in the past year I was proved wrong when I met my best friend’s boyfriend (Ex now) he was funny and kind he didn’t act like most boys I knew over the years that’s why I now know not all boys are stupid, no that they aren’t some times there are nice once but you have to look hard for them
I want to know what love is?
You heard right I have never fallen in love with someone before I don’t think I even know what love feels like, not that I don’t love my family but that’s different love all together what I’m talking is love for someone I like, like more then a friend Pure love that can never be broken easily Love that is Pure and true (listen to me I sound like a soap show) but I’m beginning to think I will never find that kind of love like my mum found dad I may never feel that way about anyone in my whole life.
My stories?
Since I have been writing my stories I have never noticed that there was a connection to everyone and I only see in now Love and Lost Loves that is the connection even my first story
Eve and Ava: it is a story of love and loss, lost of a mother and a wife.
Gem Girls: what else do schoolgirls think about?
A Royal wedding: the title tells all
EL: a family torn apart.
Violet: Madeline a vampire who wants only to save the one she loves.
The Arch: this series has always got a Love twist.
Lost Innocents: a Love story even in the dream, it tells that Love can even withstand the test of time.
The kiss?
I have been kissed before by a boy not that I remember who it was (I’m not telling razz )
The kiss I’m talking about is the kiss that you don’t want to ever end, I’ve never had that kiss not yet anyway.
Sex you heard me Sex?
Ok I still haven’t…. I’m not going to say it you get the picture, I heard teenage boys think of it more then 50% of a day then everything but what about girls *think about it Blushes* girls think about it to maybe not as much as boys do but they still do, I was bought up always told that I should only…. Have sex with someone I’m truly in love with since mum has never been with no one else but dad
(I think that’s great 22 years together) but I still would love to know what’s it’s really like but I will not just go out and have sex with the first guy I meet I have to love him and he has to love me as much.
Me get Married!?
Ok if you asked me 5 years ago I would have said “I’ll never get married” or “you’ll never get me in a white dress” the second one is still true I’ll never where a white dress but I think I know what I would want if I did it’s the same dress Raven wore in A Royal wedding (white strapless wedding dress which was cover in tinny baby blue roses, long white veil was trailing along behind, holding a bouquet of white and blue roses.) isn’t that a beautiful dress can’t you just picture it.
Babies?
I could never go near a baby I still can’t I don’t know why it’s like I don’t feel… I don’t know they’re cute.
But the past 5 days all I could think about was babies and if I want one mum was my age when she had me, I always said “I’m not going to have kids” I thought this way since I was 10 I wasn’t the mother type but I think I’m beginning to think otherwise why the change of heart after 8 years well, thing just seem to be shouting at me a movie I watch on thru then the Auto book I listened to and more resent a book I finally read they all made me so sad the woman from the movie lost one child only to have another, then woman the Auto book all most dies giving birth to her baby only to almost loosing the baby again, and the last woman she had a baby only for it to be taken away from her, years later she goes in search for the child she lost who was now a woman who had children of her own, only the long lost child has died before her mother found her.
I was so saddened by all this I began to think what I would do if I could have children the thought horrified me I want a child a baby *a tear falls onto keyboard*.
I started to think of names (I know I think I have done this over the years)
For a girl the middle name has to be Ann since that’s Nana’s and mums middle name it skipped me *makes a sad face* e.g. (Ellen, Emily, Edaline, Gwendline, Gloria, Ana, Abby, Eve and Ava) the first 4 are a good maybe
For a boy I didn’t really think of it much (Eric, Edward, Timothy, Theo, Leo, Phillip) the First 3 are a good maybe and Leo is good as well and for the middle I was thinking Aaron I think my brother would like that I always liked that name.
But even after all this I think there may be something wrong with me since *blushes* I know no one want to know this expressly the guys but I’m going to write it anyway what the hell after everything I’ve said so fare.
Ok here it is ever since I got my lets call it PMS at first I had it every month but after 3 to 5 months it kind of just disappeared only did it come back around the time I got it so once a year I was happy about it at first no pain but after a few years it kind of made me worried and then there is this year I can’t even remember if I had it the time came and nothing I beginning to worry
Something has gone wrong with me.
Don’t mind me I just got a little sad for no reason and I just started to write and I’m better now but I just can’t seem to stop writing.
So I think I’m done talking even if there is more to say but I have written so much that I think I will stop for now.
This is the end of Part 1
 Weeping Blood Rose · Sun Dec 21, 2008 @ 03:44am · 0 Comments |
