• I am burying my pain deep... And the world will only see... This face of Inscrutability... And as the weeks... And the months pass... I will learn to live with... My Heartbreak... And the crushing loneliness... In my life.... Painful emotion is caused by.. The shock.. Of what is moral.. And what is immoral pleasure.. Has much validity as pain.. Contemplation of pleasure.. Pure enjoyment.. Contemplation of past pleasures.. All combine into harmonies.. But do not demand the future.. As an active portion of the.. Mental computation in such.. Contemplation.. Certain things practiced as.. Pleasures are actually pains... Weak in the verbal skills.. I am inclined to express myself with displays of idiotic violence... I'm not going to torment myself with remorse.. I have gotten conned and learned a lesson.. The stress of fecundity is taking a toll... At this time in my life.. I can't comprehend how a human being could inflict such misery on a significant other.. I have began to understand a fighter's drive.. A simple transfer of aggression from real life.. Savagely maligned.. Misplaced loyalty was my fatal flaw.. My ambition to noble violence remains a harmless fantasy.. Meanwhile.. I will bobb through life's turbulence like driftwood.. My near death experience has given me zero insight into the grand purpose or cosmic destiny.. Certainly I saw no blinding light at the end of a cool tunnel.. I am remembering that day.. With an agonizing unquenchable thirst.. Laying up in a medical dorm.. I can still feel the burn from the gunshot wounds.. I am in a high level strategy session by myself.. I neither needed or sought the counsel of others.. Silence has bred my clarity of thinking.. And solitude has registered my perspective.. My problem is a pathological lack of restraint.. I own a huge ego.. A short temper.. And no patience... I have barely registered my many episodes.. As the landscape passed by at 100 miles an hour.. I had only my crimes occupying my thoughts.. I have made many mistakes in my life.. But.. I don't know of anyone that paralleled these months and years long error in judgement.. To say it has me rethinking my future is an understatement.. I am rethinking my whole life......