• i hear a clock ticking
    in the
    distance
    and i'd like to ask it
    nicely
    to please
    just
    stop

    because i never really understood
    what it meant to
    be

    i do not know
    i do not, no
    i do knot.

    my tongue twists itself around
    and i can hardly see to breathe
    i can hardly breathe to see
    i can hardly...

    i miss you.and you haven't even been gone.very long

    i taste a cigarette in the back of my throat and i don't even care that you know now
    and i don't even care
    that you know
    now
    that i can feel it on my wrist
    that i let them lick my cross
    that you don't even know what i mean
    when i say
    and i say
    and i say
    and sometimes i speak in codes
    because i don't want you to know
    and sometimes i speak in codes
    because i want you to know
    but don't want you to know that i want you
    to
    know.

    i listened to you scream
    inside your head
    because that is where you hide your thoughts
    and i
    cracked you open once
    but it wasn't enough
    to keep you here
    with me

    i hope that he's okay
    because i can't bear to lose you
    now

    and i listen to you when you say
    and i listen to you when you say
    but i can't listen to you when you say
    goodbye
    and so i will put you back together
    like a puzzle
    with glue
    and duct tape
    and tears

    and you are so obscenely beautiful
    and so obscenely skeletal
    and i wish that i could fix you
    and i wish that i could know you
    the way i want to know you
    but not the way
    you want to know
    me

    and i wanted to wake up
    and go down that road with you
    today
    but we slept and slept
    and dreamt and slept
    and you kept me safe in your arms
    and i tried
    i tried so hard
    to keep you safe in mine
    but life has found a way
    to take you
    and make you
    and break you
    once again

    this is all true
    do you know who
    you are

    my day has not ended
    and yet
    it has not
    begun
    i am in between

    i want to dream
    strange and beautiful and terrifying
    but not the dream
    that i have grown accustomed to
    that you protect me from
    when i awake

    and all i can remember
    is telling you that i didn't like it
    when he tells me he loves me
    and that you told me he didn't
    and he couldn't
    because if he did
    he wouldn't hurt me the way he does
    and i wonder
    did i tell you that i tell him i love him
    because i don't like that too
    but i have to
    because if i don't
    he will hurt me worse
    and worse
    and
    worse
    than even before.
    and what else
    i wonder
    did i say

    i fall in love
    with girls i have never met
    because their words
    are beautiful

    and we were drenched
    and i fell so fast
    and we ran
    and we ran and
    we ran
    as the world cried itself to sleep
    and nothing could stop us
    and nothing could hurt us
    and we finally felt
    free

    and i wish and i wish and i wish i could see you for who you were

    march, april may
    and march, april may not

    i think it is time for goodnight
    but not goodbye
    never goodbye.

    my heart hurts when we get
    close to our destination after
    a long car ride because i like the calm
    the music
    and the staring out the window while the world runs away
    instead of me

    i am more comfortable in your arms
    than anywhere else
    right now
    and right now
    i am not in your arms
    and it hurts
    and we are not what they think we are
    and we do not wish to be
    we only wish to be what we are

    and it hurt that you told me to go away
    and it hurt so much worse when i realized
    it was not me you were talking to