• Dear Jonny,
    First of all, you're probably wondering why I wrote this in a note on Facebook. I think that you need an opportunity to really look at yourself and understand why I've been so angry. I figured other people needed to see you too, especially since you probably won't read past this point. Maybe the others can tell you, and make you understand in the way I couldn't.
    Let's get one thing straight: I've never hated you for all the things you've done. I claimed to, but honestly I love you too much to hate you, ever. Before you gag, I hope you realize that I mean it strictly in a friend way. You were like a brother to me, and I honestly wouldn't think of you any other way.
    I want to know why you've changed so much since sixth grade. Remember how we met? Probably not; I hardly remember myself. Mr. Shubin's photography class, right? I was the only person with the last name that started with an N, and you were the only one with the last name that started with an O. So, naturally, we sat next to each other. Back then, you were so fun and interesting. I really enjoyed being in your group and seeing the pictures we took together. I still have some of those pictures of your eye twitching. I didn't really know you back then, but still you were one of my really good friends.
    In seventh grade, though, you were probably my best guy friend. Seventh grade was a really dark year of my life, and I was glad that you were around. You were my safe harbor; the person I ran to when things became too much for me at home. I knew that within a few minutes of just walking with you around my neighborhood, I'd be laughing and talking again. I was content to spend every Saturday of the week in this manner. Why did you have to change all of that?
    I remember what you said was the scariest moment of your life. Do you remember? I know that you know what I'm talking about, but I'll say it anyway. I tried to commit suicide. Yes, readers, that's what I did. Wipe that look of shock off of your faces; you're not that surprised. Anyway, Jonny, you were the one who stopped me. You grabbed me by the shoulders, before I could run into the street and get run over by that car, and wouldn't let go. You told me that I couldn't just throw my life away, and there were people who loved me. I remember being angry with you for stopping me. But now that I look back, I'm really grateful. You gave me a chance at improving what I thought couldn't be improved. Seventh grade was the worst; there was nowhere to go but up. I had already hit rock bottom.
    So what happened to you? When I was busy trying to improve my own life, you were beginning to wreck yours. Jonny, what happened to you? Your life used to be better than mine. I understand that there were events that crippled you emotionally. But why couldn't you take the advice you gave me? Why didn't you try to move on? I couldn't understand. I've spent many nights almost sleepless because of this.
    Do you have any idea how much I worried about you after you did something wrong? Of course you didn't. You wouldn't listen to me when I tried to tell you. You would just yell at me and then sign off. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? I needed you to hear me. I wanted so badly for you to know that you weren't just hurting yourself. You were also hurting all of the people around you. You know who these people are: Eddie, Alex, me, and Julia. There are probably many other people, but who am I to know?
    When you started cutting yourself, I wasn't as worried as I probably should've/would've been. I WAS worried though, don't get me wrong. But I was too stupid to really do anything about it. I was so scared that you might take it farther than that, and my fears were confirmed when you told me that you wanted to die; that you planned to die. I told the counselor, hoping that she would be able to help you. Do you know how hard it is for me to go to people for help? I'm stubborn, and you know that. You know me better than almost anyone. I reached out, hoping that you'd meet me half-way. But it was all in vain. You only yelled at us even more. You distanced yourself from the people who truly cared.
    Things got even worse this year. I tried to be your friend again. We even hung out twice this year. But I could visibly see the change in you. When did you go from an awesome drummer who loved God and all of his friends? Suddenly, you were this person I hardly knew. "a** Like That?" What happened to Lifehouse? You became this ridiculous wannabe. What happened to my Beanpole?
    I've tried to talk to you, but when did you really truly listen? You and I both know the answer to that. Who are your friends? What kind of monsters are they to transform you into this stupid idiot? Remember the email you sent me after the Sexual Harassment incident? "My friends were over and we were just messing around." Even better, let's quote from the card you gave me when you came over to apologize. "I know I was being stupid with my friends and we decided to make fun of people." Why did that person have to be the person you said was your best friend? And messing around... Messing around is prank-calling me and asking if my refrigerator is running, NOT throwing everything I trusted you with back at me. I know that I'm fcked up, okay? I know that my life is fcked up. That's why I always went to you for help. What have I ever done to you to deserve everything you said?
    And then there were your friends. Who are you hanging out with? Why would they be so MEAN? What's wrong with me? What was so wrong with being my friend that you had to find other people? I never hurt you. I never believed the people who said that you were gay.
    Let's quote something else from the card. "I'm sorry I hope we can stay as good friends as we have been all these years."
    Good friends? Is that what you call us? That's what we used to be. YOU changed all of that. YOU caused this. You should fix it yourself. You should prove to me that you truly want to be friends again. After all that you've done, I just can't believe for a moment that you meant anything you said in the email and the card. It's not like you put any real effort into being my friend. I see everyday how you avoid me in PE. What's the worst that could happen if you were to try to speak to me? I would probably punch you in the face, but those kinds of wounds heal. The consequences of what you've done won't.
    You act so tough in the chats we have. Is that why you drink? Because you want to be tough? You're nothing but a coward, and I see that now. Was my friendship too soft for you? Was that why you left me for bad friends?
    Eddie told me. He told me about the phone calls you gave him. Ashley told me about what happened at church. What kind of image do you want to give yourself? I read back on a chat we had back in the seventh grade. You told me that there were a lot of untrue rumors about you, and you didn't have many friends who could back you up. Here we are, Jonny. All you have to do is ask. But now, you're creating the image people will see you as for years to come. I've said this many times, and I'll say it again: You caused all of this yourself.
    Do you understand? Or have you not read up to this point? Jonny, you have no idea how ashamed I am of you. I thought you were stronger than this. I didn't know you could be so easily wavered by peer pressure and these so-called "friends" of yours. From the moment bad things started happening to me, I've depended on you to keep me together. I truly needed you, and depended on you. But now... you've changed so much I just don't know what to think anymore.
    That brings me to my next subject: the day you came over and apologized with your mom. I've got to say, you have poor acting skills. It all seemed so fake. I couldn't believe a word you said, not that you even said much. In fact, I DIDN'T believe a word you said. I felt bad for your mom. I tried to keep my face straight so that I wouldn't slap you. I wanted to, so badly. Here, standing on my driveway, was this small woman in a college sweatshirt, begging for me to forgive her son. She was so sincere, so truly saddened by the catastrophe that was her son. I wanted to yell at you for what you did to her. I wanted to kick you, slap you, rip out your hair. How could you put her through so much? She raised you, and loved you. This was how you repaid her? You're horrible.
    She could probably tell from the look on my face that I wouldn't be forgiving you. Did you see those tears? Did you see the emotion behind them? The love? Did you care?! I couldn't let her keep crying like that. I tried to smile, and let her know that I understood. But the smile on my face seemed just as fake as your presence on my driveway. You were just standing there behind her, looking like you were embarrassed to be there. I would be embarrassed too if I were you. After all, if I were the one to cause my mother's tears by throwing away all the hard work she put into raising me, I would definitely be embarrassed. However, I'm pretty sure that that wasn't the reason you were embarrassed. Who are you to cause so much pain to her? What right do you have?
    I promise you that I'm nearing the end of my outrageously long letter. I hope that you understand me now. There are still a few things that I need to get straight. One: I didn't tell on you about the chat to get you into trouble, I promise that. It was the exact opposite. I hoped that by getting you in trouble, people could help you and hopefully change you into a watered-down version of your old self, if not your old self completely.
    Two: I have never done anything with the basic intent of just plain hurting you. I would never do such a thing either. There are things I have said and done, but it was with the intention of directing you toward the right path. Of course, like I've said, you never listened. But I've never steered you wrong just because I wanted to.
    That's all I've wanted to say to you since seventh grade. I've held it in, hoping that I'd never have to say it. But I can see that you will never learn unless you know. So now, you do.
    You've really changed so much. I want the old Jonny back. I hate the new Jonny, and I want him to go away so we can go back to the way we were. I can see that that isn't possible. I just feel as if I don't know you anymore.
    Jonny, who are you?
    Love,
    [name taken out]