• You're a million miles away. Maybe not a million, but enough that it feels that far. And I am so in love with you.

    Not that you'd ever guess; I'm an actress, after all, and playing it cool is my specialty. Even if you did figure it out, it's not like I'd admit it. No, not a chance.

    I'm not playing hard to get. I'm just a little shy. You make my stomach turn to knots and my head fill with helium and my heart soar with the silliest things. You tease me late at night as I fall asleep next to my laptop, even though you are, too, and you're smiling at me with that special brand of drunkenness that comes with a sleep deprived brain. On those nights when I'm a mess with anxiety or fear or sadness, you're there in an instant with firm reassurance that I'll be okay, with promises for the day we'll meet.

    Whenever that is.

    'Whenever' is sooner than I thought. 'Whenever' is less than a year away. Less than I year before I can hug you in all your flesh and skin. Less than a year before this all becomes a lot more real than I ever expected.

    The thing with falling in love with someone you've never met is that you'll never be quite sure how they might react. I know how you'd react if I told you 'I love you' tonight. You'd be awkward, and flattered, and generally unsure of this new development.

    New might be the wrong word.

    In person, though? I have no idea. You might be relieved. You might be hiding these same emotions behind that computer screen. God knows we've talked enough. Shared our fears enough. Determined where we stand on love enough. I helped you navigate your rocky relationship with that girl, helped you when you mentioned it to another girl who loves you and upset her. Told you that you weren't responsible for her reaction. Listened when you expressed how it troubled you to talk about your relationship to someone who loved you. Felt my heart hurt when I realised you did it twice.

    The bottom line is this: in a few months, I will meet you in person for the first time. In a few months, I will have to tell you the truth. In a few months, I will have to confess that I'm in love with you. Head-over-heels, stupidly, madly, stay-up-at-night-thinking-about-you in love with you.

    And I have to hope it will be okay. emotion_bigheart