• The summer dried out my hair so that it was scratchy like the grass in the field west of our, Charlie’s and my, house. I was sitting in that field. The corn stalks next to me swayed and rustled in the wind, which was picking up. I ran my fingers over my scalp thinking about groceries and water bills. It all felt dry and dusty like the sweaters that I brought out last week because the wind has gotten colder, because September is here. I like the field the most in September, in the quiet before the cold snaps and the reprieve from the heat waves but today the specialness of the moment is lost on me. The power line’s hum was soothing, deadening. I rested my arms on my knees and without warning tears overtook me. I cried in short, deep sobs and I cannot stop. Pains loomed over me like the Himalayas.
    I had been in school for twenty years. A 3.5 student college grad I went to law school at Kansas State, not a prestigious school, but nothing to be ashamed of. I was a feather in the school’s cap, a star in my class. I sat for the Kansas bar. My shaking hands wouldn’t write my own name. Cold, sticky, humiliating sweat ran down my back. I watched the people around me, other students that I knew. Every answer that they wrote down caused my shaking to intensify. I lost track of time starring at the first page. Hours too soon the proctor announced, “Your time is up.” I failed, completely.
    The crying was exhausting. My eyes stung and my shoulders ached. Clouds were rolling in from the west, probably bringing rain. I waited. I didn’t want to go back inside with red puffy eyes. Charlie will love me and tell me that everything will work out. I don’t think I deserve those things. When the rain finally did start it was hard and driving. I put my hands over my head and felt tears welling up again. Some time passed and without hearing him come up, I felt Charlie standing next to me. He was carrying an umbrella. I looked up, which was not an easy task in the downpour and feigned a smile, “Why hello there, where’d you come from.”
    “The land of warm fluffy dryness, care to join me in my realm?”
    I let him help me up. The umbrella was only meant for one person and, try as we might, we couldn’t fit under it together and walk at the same time. Charlie, who is shorter than me kept hitting with the metal tips of the umbrella. Eventually I stepped away from him. He looked quizzical.
    “Your umbrella just attacked me. And besides, I am already drenched.” I explained.
    “But,” he studderd “the rain…the rain stings. Should anyone be forced to endure the pain let it be I.” He closed the umbrella and stood with one hand on his hips, the other hand holding out the closed umbrella like an epee. “Engarde rain! Prepare to meet thy better.” The dark pain recedes into my chest and I smile, genuinely.
    “I don’t know that rain looks pretty dangerous, are you sure you can take it?”
    “Dangerous, I will show you dangerous!” He swished the umbrella, dancing back and forth like a fencer. I laughed, not powerful but sincere. He breaks my heart every day with every beautiful moment. He makes up for everything that I cannot do and everything that I do without being able to stop.
    After the catastrophe with the bar I lost control. I smoked constantly, I wept and couldn’t bring myself to eat. Charlie, who is such a happy person, must have felt totally at a loss. He tiptoed around me. He murmured reassurances about my intelligence and perseverance afraid to set me off. When he told me for the umpteenth time one week that I would do better next time I screamed at him. “What would you know anyway? What makes you think I would do any better, huh? What?”
    “I,” I cut him off.
    “You what, think I’m a wonderful person? What, that I just had an off day?”
    “Aggie, please.” he moved to hug me but I pulled away.
    “No, get away from me! I’m leaving. I need...just leave me alone” I grabbed my purse and walked out the door.
    I moved into the Corn Husk Inn downtown. It was cheep and sleazy. There was no air conditioning and no TV. There were bloodstains on the wall. I felt at home, like I had found a place on my level, a failing place. Charlie did not try to find me for two weeks. During that time, I lost weight and black circles appeared under my eyes. He didn’t contact me for two weeks then appeared without notice at the door of my room.
    When I opened the door, chain on, he thrust a shopping bag at me. “Here,” he said. “I bought you a present. You look terrible. Can I come in?”
    I ignored him and opened the bag. Inside was a plaid sundress, with red bows on the shoulders. “Plaid…seriously?”
    “I thought we would start with something simple like, wearing clean clothes and then work our way back up to good fashion sense. It was on sale. Put it on.”
    I closed the door and removed the chain. Through the door I said, “Come on in, I guess.” He stepped in to the room and I slipped off my tee shirt and jeans I had been wearing for the last two weeks. He starred at me. My ribs were countable; my skin was ashen. Quickly I stepped into the dress. It was hideous but Charlie whistled. “Twirl around.” I obliged him. Then, I collapsed. I hadn’t had anything to eat in 5 days.
    I woke up in the hospital with Charlie reading a Dean Koontz novel by my bed. I cleared my throat and looked down at the I.V. in my arm.
    Charlie closed his book and looked at me. He smiled weakly. “You need a doctor, a shrink. I don’t want to leave you but I can’t live with you if you hate yourself that much. Please, if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.” His voice was caught in the back of his throat; there was water in his eyes.
    I started seeing Dr. Landsburg. I started taking medication for depression. And, though not everything felt better, things improved. That was a year ago but standing in the rain with Charlie, it almost feels like it happened to another person. Like I am being reborn. For a long time I was shackled by that test. But, I think I am breaking free. I think the handcuffs are dissolving in the rain.