I Can See My Death

• Artist: gazemea
• Description: This is just a short little part of my story I'm writing, I Can See My Death. This type of story is supposed to be adventerous, although nothing really happens yet. Please enjoy!
• Date: 07/16/2008
• Tags: death aerostil arrowhead radiance adventure

The town of Aerostil was quiet. The birds of the woods chirped happily. She stared at the buildings, and then the woods. This was her birth town? If this was her birth town, why didn’t she recognize any thing? Yes, she was very little when she left Aerostil, but she just wants to remember what it’s like here. The tall, neutral-colored buildings made of stone gave her a sense that was never felt before. She was finally home.
She looked up to see the café sign: The Stonewall Café.
A pretty plain name for a pretty plain town, she thought. She looked away from the sign, and walked towards the lush, green forest. It felt like something was pulling her to go there. Emotionless, she walked into the woods. She wandered, and wandered.
Nothing interesting is going to happen. Why did I come here? She thought. Then, something caught her eye. She crouched to see what it was. It was something that looked like an arrowhead. It had the color of all sorts of blue, and it was clear. She thought the arrowhead was made out of a type of gem. It was still sharp, and it looked like it was made in ancient times. If you could describe the arrowhead in one word, it would be “beautiful”.
“Radiance!” The girl turned around only to see her 15-year-old brother running to her.
“What, Dairen?”

Comments

[csfrankie]

"was" and "left" are past-tense, and then in the same sentence you used "wants" which is present-tense. try and stay in the same tense at least in the same sentence, it gives it better flow. other than that it's great!

[Trouble Gail 3]

good job! =) Writing is a special talent that not alot of people have, so keep it up and theres always room for improvment! =D

[Ms Make Me Smile]

i like it well done

[Arisa Wilder]

Contsructive Criticism:

Lots of "she"'s starting the sentances. Not much sentance length variation. Your paragraphs have more than one idea in them. Lastly, You do a lot of telling (just giving information to the readers), so trying doing (by that I mean conveying information through actions).

This is certainly a promising excerpt; I would not be adverse to reading more of the story. I feel it would be absolutely stunning with more description and a few revisions. biggrin

[x-Xplosive-pocky-x]

wow even though its not much its still real good!keep it up ^-^